The CP Diary

Being terminally ill is never easy for the one who is ill, or the family dealing with their loved one being terminally ill; my situation is testament to that. Last weekend was tough for us all. I’m slightly tired and although I am okay mentally with what’s happening, keeping up with it all can be tiring.

It’s important to spend as much time with someone who is terminally ill, but I have chosen to focus on both because that’s important too. It would be easy for me to spend every waking moment in the hospital, but my family and I are choosing …

It’s been a very long day. I have so many thoughts, which seem to be jumbled tonight. I’m indifferent, calm and VERY tired.

There comes a time in every one’s life when we reflect back on our relationships and it usually happens around the time we know some one we love dearly is terminally ill. It’s so hard watching that someone fade-away. We all have our ups and downs but without the ups or downs I believe we would have no meaningful relationship. Relationships are about expression; we have to be able to express ourselves.

It would be so easy to look back and pick fault or feel guilty about something we’ve done or said to someone terminally ill, but I believe that is unhelpful and counterproductive …

I’m taking a few moments to reflect on my day and although I’m upset about the outcome, I am doing okay.

As a child I lived in fear of the reality that my parents would one day not be around me anymore; but back then I didn’t have the knowledge and the beliefs that I do today. My mother passed away what will be 5 years on the 25^th May this year. I have always believed that she will go to spirit, but will still be around me as I live my life and make my choices and I believe my father is now getting ready to do the same.

The last five years have been the most difficult years. I have blogged on here about the problems I’ve faced …

In my late twenties I remember being put on antidepressants by my doctor when I was depressed.

In hindsight it wasn’t the best time or the best idea because I believe that as we begin to rely on tablets to help us cope, those tablets potentially can become habit forming. The reality is that we become more reliant, and so the habit becomes even harder to break. I was lucky enough that at the time my depression wasn’t bad enough to stay on them long term.

We tend to rely on what we know works so that we’re best able to cope. For example …

Seeing my father this afternoon put me in somewhat of a reflective mood.

It has helped me understand him and his life a little more. I know he could have done more in helping me with my CP, but why it’s now not important for me to challenge what he didn’t do, but time to let it go. Looking back on today; my father’s life has made it easier for me to let go. I know that we’re not all good at working through and changing things for the people we love and that if we have the where with all, we could and would do.

Not everyone has …

We all have to lose a parent, that’s a given but looking back at what I have had to deal with in the last 5 years, I cannot believe that my father is now ill and that he may not live.

I had a problem watching my mother struggle with her health before she died, so will probably have a problem watching my father struggle too before he goes. Ever since I was a child I have struggled to cope around illness and death.

He had been diagnosed with Lymphoma a few weeks ago, but was told that at 83 years old, the Lymphoma wouldn’t kill him. He would …

We’re born with a loving, caring and happy soul, but as we live and experience life; those experiences make up and form our personalities. Those personalities are then used to communicate with other people… and it is from those personalities that bad patterns are formed.

We’re all capable of changing how we perceive ourselves and other people. The trouble is that we’re often too busy trying to work on our own survival that we don’t look beyond our opinions and/or attitudes to what lies within us. All too often our attitudes, opinions …

Away from The CP Diary and my writing, I have had my fair share of problems, some of which still continue and have been documented. Growing up my life was far from easy. I may give the impression that I have everything wrapped up and find things easy, but the realities and what I deal with are very different and have been for some time.

It is true that my spiritual beliefs help me work to find most of my answers even if the answers aren’t there to begin with …

I am sure we’ve all been indecisive at some point in our lives, but what happens if we’re being indecisive all the time?

I know one or two people who find it hard to make a decision and that can be very problematic. It may also become a bigger problem because if left, will infringe on other parts of our lives. I believe we’re indecisive, because we usually lack self-confidence and have a tendency to worry about any current problems and future worries.

We have to have faith in our own ability. Faith to follow our own intuition rather than …

I woke up this morning with a clear mind, which is unusual for me, but as the day moves on so does my mind. My thoughts now go back to the last 4 months.

Generally speaking where we have no choice and know that we have to get through certain situations, I believe we tend not to think about those situations. If we did we’d probably bail out at the first opportunity. The enormity of what we have dealt with together as a family hasn’t sunk in yet.

I feel as though I have been working on autopilot …