My mind seems to be tied in to Cerebral Palsy these days, but writing blogs help me put what I feel back into perspective. Cerebral Palsy is the bane of my life.
Not only did I miss my milestones, but that when we deal with something in our childhood it makes it so much harder to go through those milestones. I didn’t have an abundance of confidence or self-esteem, but I realise now that I was seeing only the negative surrounding my condition.
When we go through something it’s easy to pick out all the bits we don’t like about ourselves, but dealing with something from an early age gives us that little more to go at. Whereas it may take us to reach adolescence, before we notice everything we don’t like about ourselves, from an early age I already knew there were things about my condition I didn’t like.
I didn’t like that my left foot was a different shape to my right. I also didn’t like the fact that when I was standing straight I was lopsided. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror with skirts on, but what I didn’t like the most was living with frustration, because I was given no support.
Support gives us the freedom to choose, the freedom to move forward with our lives, the freedom to make better choices, the freedom to allow us to deal with all the negative stuff, positively. When that doesn’t happen, we either muddle through; we make less than perfect choices or we stagnate and blame others because we’re not strong enough to make better choices for ourselves.
Then there are the days when I coped, or the days where everything seemed to overwhelm me. I know a lot of these feelings are brought about more in the winter months, when the nights draw in early and it’s bitterly cold and I’m left with a dull ache in my leg, then reality sets in and I’m back to Cerebral Palsy again.
I believe that no matter how good family are at giving support, the support that helps is the support we find from others going through the same emotional rollercoaster, because there is already an understanding there that implies, “I know how you feel, I understand what you’re going through.”
The support that comes from the heart, the support that says I’m here for you, I’m willing to listen, help where I can, even if I don’t quite understand what you’re going through is the best kind. That wasn’t my life.