No one’s childhood is perfect. When we look back there’s always something we weren’t happy with, or would look to change and often do.
Having had to live in an emotional vacuum for 46 years is a long time no one should have to endure, let alone live. I think that out of all my experiences, this is the biggest one I’m finding difficult to come to terms with. Missing out on understanding all of my symptoms centred around my disability. Slowly I’m now working on those.
Then there’s 46 having to adapt into a life that didn’t allow me to adapt alongside a disability I should have known about. Time with family will have been better because we will all have worked together and that’s the way it should have been. I would have had the support to allow me to function around a disability that will have been brought out into the open.
I would also have had understanding around my neurological issues. I could also have got help with school, without feeling I’d failed. In a nutshell, I lived in an emotional vacuum knowing nothing about my disability, about my life, or about me. Out of everything, it’s the one thing I go back to. The disbelief that I was made to live this life.
I have come to terms with many things as my blogs show, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to come to terms with the enormity of the abuse. Although childhood emotional neglect, (CEN) is what an emotional vacuum is, in my case it didn’t stop me from trying to work out what I had.
The emotional vacuum would be in place for many years until an opportunity allowed me to open the door myself. My life would then be changed forever in the form of a diagnosis and The CP Diary.