Controlling people

Over the last few days, I’ve been trying to work out why I’ve been feeling out of sorts, in other words not my usual self. Control is always a difficult issue to come to terms with.

However, we choose to deal with it, it’s not easy coming to terms with the concept that it’s how our life has been. It’s the act of someone else having and making decisions that include us that we’re not entitled to add or agree with.

Any form of control will leave an imprint on our already damaged souls. As the days, months and years go by, so we will age and as we continue to age, time swiftly moves on, time that we can’t get back or make up. If the control had been in my best interest and it had positively contributed to my emotional development, I would have felt better about it.

I know I could never change those times, so I choose not to dwell on them. Those times were out of my control. It’s the time I’ve lost that I can’t get back that bothers me more and those responsible not knowing how I felt. As I continue to focus on my personal healing, I take comfort from knowing other people’s actions are not personal. We shouldn’t take them as ours.

I continue to draw on my inner resources by bringing my deepest values into my every day sense of self. That always brings me a renewed confidence that I can help myself.

I can’t change what’s gone. All I can do is change my attitude towards what’s gone.


12 Mar, 2016

4 thoughts on “Controlling people

  1. Controlling people isn’t really possible, since they seem to end up doing exactly what they want to do, even if it’s unhealthy or dangerous!

    I have tried to help so many people, since it’s part of my recovery program and not one of them has ever followed my advice. I have come to understand how a sponsor feels when they’re trying to suggest something that the sponsee takes as them trying to be controlling and do the exact opposite!

    Most of my life I have done the same thing, like my Dad telling me not to jump on a log because it had bees in it and guess what I did? First and last time I ever want to be attacked by a swarm of bees!

    I was brainwashed, manipulated and controlled as a child, so it’s no surprise that I have felt powerless all my life. I wasn’t allowed to have control over my own life and if I dared to try, the punishments were torturous and long lasting.

    I think I would have preferred to be physically abused, to clarify, since physical wounds would have healed. Mental wounds never do and it doesn’t take much for people to take advantage of them.

    The new term that has come up is gas-lighting, when the person uses your fragile mental state to keep you under their control! They know just how to manipulate a person into thinking that they’re the ones who are crazy!

    What it comes down to, is the fact that the only one I can really control is myself and my attitude. Of course I have heard this time after time in AA, but never quite felt I was worthy of living my own life.

    I was made to feel guilt, shame and remorse for even wanting to. It seems very strange to do simple things like choose my own sneakers. There are times when I do get very angry about the past, but I’m not Doctor Who so I can’t change anything that happened then.

    I have to work to stay focused on the now so I don’t get mired in the pity pot that I used to enjoy wallowing in.

    1. Thanks Randy. I feel that anyone that controls another person, knows how to manipulate because it is part of the control scenario.

      The feelings you describe are very common for anyone who has lived with control. Unfortunately we do feel powerless, but it’s important for us not to take being controlled personally, or think it’s something we’ve done, because in most cases it’s totally the opposite.

      It’s also important never to lose sight of how things should be. Our realities, on what we have to deal with, are often different to how our lives should be.

      How our life should be is how we should live our lives, but how we live is often something others choose for us. It’s a shame through your experiences those you were trying to help didn’t take your advice.

      I believe unless someone gets to that stage where they want advice, they won’t take other people’s advice. You more than most, will know exactly how to do things, because of your experiences, but for others needing help, it’s a question of timing.

      We ask for help when we’re ready. As you continue to help out at AA, you’ll find more people asking for help, when they’re ready.

  2. I find it both amusing and insulting when someone attempts to control me, especially through some kind of power. And when people take my kindness for weakness, I have no problem watching them sink from misjudging me.

    Controlling people see life as a game that doesn’t end until someone is trapped or conquered.

    1. Thanks Tim. I’m not sure I’ve ever found being controlled amusing; probably because I’ve been unable to stand back and look at it from the outside in. I believe it also depends on the person doing the controlling and how much they control.

      I think you’re right… to control is to trap and conquer in that order.

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