Enormously proud

3 Mar 2016

It would go on to take many years for my father to say he was enormously proud of me, but when he did, it eventually came in the form of The CP Diary.

Although we had talked about the Diary, my writing and my recent college diplomas, I’m not sure whether he ever went on line to look at my website. He was proud of both and had even remarked that he would never have had the staying power to stick with either, had it been him.

I also know now that my father would have wanted to deal with my disability differently too. Throughout his life he struggled with imperfections, brought about through his own insecurities. In his lifetime he never ever got past those and although it’s not an excuse, it’s an understanding.

Although this has all come too late for me, I believe that just because we don’t say the things we should, doesn’t mean those thoughts aren’t in there or we’re not thinking those things. They’re there, often just hidden, because we struggle to talk about those things.

This has become all the more poignant for me now, because in a few days time, it’ll be 3 years since my father’s passing.

8 Responses to “Enormously proud”

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  1. Tim 04. Mar, 2016 at 12:13 am #

    The truth is complicated, but you’ve aligned yourself with something outside this world to seek it. Your progression is showing Ilana.

    • Ilana 04. Mar, 2016 at 8:02 am #

      Yes, it’s often only when we look back that we see how far we have come. I feel as though I have progressed. Thanks Tim. Small steps, but significant ones.

  2. Maria Lunde 04. Mar, 2016 at 5:06 am #

    I have wondered if my parents are proud of me. Growing up I had the feeling they were not, since they didn’t know what to make of my disability.

    Now I believe they are proud of the life I have formed with my own family, even though they don’t necessary tell me.

    • Ilana 04. Mar, 2016 at 8:06 am #

      Thanks Maria. Yes it’s what our parents’ don’t say that leave us with questions. We often have to fill in the gaps and read between the lines. Unless you ask, you won’t know for sure, but what you think is just as important.

      If you feel they are proud of what you have gone on to achieve with your family, continue to embrace that feeling and/or thought.

      Even if we don’t know for sure, it’s amazing how much confidence we gain, just by thinking we know they feel a certain way.

  3. Brad 04. Mar, 2016 at 8:46 am #

    Your father was rightly proud of your achievements, as are we all. I am pleased he was able to say that before he passed and that will be an enduring and positive memory.

    • Ilana 04. Mar, 2016 at 9:40 am #

      Thank you!! Your response identifies and captures that moment for me that shall always remain and that which is positive.

  4. Bonnie Strickland Johns 04. Mar, 2016 at 4:27 pm #

    Wow! I’m sorry you were unable to have the open communication with your father that so many of us take for granted. It seems if it wasn’t for that and your struggles throughout your life, this diary wouldn’t exist.

    Without verbally saying, I’m sure he was very proud of you in everything you accomplished and still achieving!! You’ve done more than most people!

    • Ilana 04. Mar, 2016 at 4:33 pm #

      Awww thanks Bonnie. Yes I always try to look for the positive in all situations.

      As a naturally inquisitive child, I always wanted to know what was wrong with me and although that was never an option, when the opportunity arose, I grabbed it with both hands.

      I never stopped believing that one day my struggles would turn into something positive. I wanted to believe it. I know my parents have been instrumental. I also know that had I have known as a child the Diary wouldn’t exist; you’re right.

      There wouldn’t have been a need and for that I am thankful.

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