I’ve talked about my life being a lie, but it wasn’t just about the lie, it was also about having to keep up the pretence through a non-diagnosis and others still expecting me to conform as if nothing was wrong, without me being allowed to question my physical and emotional issues.
The sad thing is that I never understood my issues, but conformed because it wasn’t a choice not to, but I know that even with a bigger picture in the frame, I would never have been in a position to change my life. I can see that now. Had my life taken a different turn, the Diary wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t be writing now.
I feel guilty for allowing myself to be sucked into that life and having to keep up the pretence, but take comfort because I now get to work through my experiences and that helps alleviate the guilt. It’s wrong for any parent to behave in such a controlling way that their children fail to function in their lives, or for them to explain what it is their child deals with.
Sadly, that’s how it went, but out of all my issues, I know that it wasn’t my physical difficulties, but my thoughts that saved me. I can’t change the fact that I was having to keep up the pretence that everything with my family was okay, or that my life was okay.
It’s no meaningful relationship if we’re having to keep up the pretence just to survive. No one should be made to live like this. But I am grateful I have The Diary which continues to allow me to write about my experiences.