More on problems with families

Like children need boundaries, so perhaps too do families. We need to set boundaries with family. We need to let them know what’s acceptable.

From my own experience we need to say No if we don’t want to do what our family want, but they have to accept we’re saying No. We have to be true to ourselves and go with what we want, not what our family want. That way we will always stay true to our own beliefs.

As a final resort, it may be better for some of us to keep our distance from those family members. We spend our lives having to deal with unhappy memories. Working on ourselves to try to understand why siblings or family choose to behave the way they do.

When we have a clearer understanding on certain situations, we will find it easier to bring about acceptance. Unless a family member comes forward and says, “I got it wrong,” it’s often difficult to bring closure; at best we may find a form of acceptance.

Of course we won’t always have the answers, but sometimes we need to look for those answers from within. We shouldn’t give up. We only have one crack at the life thing, we owe it to ourselves to make sure it’s a good one.


16 Feb, 2011

10 thoughts on “More on problems with families

  1. Some good advice here. Every situation is different, what ever works for one person will not always work for another. Depends on the people and how they relate to each other.

    1. Thanks Randy. The advice is to help the person who is possibly caught in the cross fire of being part of a dysfunctional family, so that they can bring some form of control back into their own lives.

      The only other choice would be to walk away, but many would be reluctant to do that without trying to sort things out first.

  2. Good way to remind us that we only live once, so we should make the best of it.

    My Mother passed away, so I don’t have to live with her dysfunction anymore, which has been a good thing. Don’t get me wrong I do miss her, I just don’t miss a lot of her behaviors.

    Now to deal with my father, who’s having a lot of his own drama. Thanks for reminding me it’s OK to say NO!

    1. I totally understand you Randy. I think we all have a little bit of what you had with your mom to some extent and it sounds as though you have a continuation of that with your father.

      The trick is not to get involved so that you are able to live your life your way without the extra drama added in.

      Your life is yours, however you choose to live it.

  3. Randy – keep saying NO – it gets easier the more you do, as eventually the people you say no to, begin to understand that you will do want you want, not what they want you to do.

    1. Randy I do totally agree with Brad’s sentiments.

      Once your family know you have your own opinions they will leave you alone a little bit more to make your own choices and although the process may be slightly more difficult, you will definitely get there and need to.

  4. I’m working on distancing myself from certain family members of mine. So far things have gone okay. Hopefully I can stick with it. Other then cutting ties, haven’t found a suitable option.

    1. LeAnna as hard as it is to do, distancing yourself is the only way you will have peace. Your family will only change if they want to change. You have to be the one to change so that you make the right decisions for you. It sounds like you have.

  5. I don’t have the heart to distance myself from family members. I love everyone and give the world for them if I could.

    I don’t think we have a real problem in our family. We may be a little dysfunctional due to other circumstances that happened prior to our union.

    There is dysfunction between my mother and my daughter and I’m dealing with that. I can’t distance myself from my mother because I love her dearly and she has cancer and to talk to her about things is difficult. I don’t want to hurt her.

    She has always been so generous. She would give the shirt off her back if someone needed it. That’s what I’ll always remember about my mom.

    1. I understand you Lisa not wanting to distance yourself from your family, but to live with dysfunction in your life will make it so much harder for you. However hard we try we all have a little of that in our lives. Being dysfunctional stems from childhood.

      Dealing with those who are dysfunctional will help you work through your own life better.I don’t believe any of us are free of it. I also completely understand you not wanting to talk with your mother, particularly as she is ill now, but the problems with your daughter will always be there.

      Being dysfunctional doesn’t change unless we change it. Family have to work together to do that and that would have to include your mom.

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