I thought I’d write about my childhood struggles with my emotions, growing up. They seem completely relevant now. When I was a child I found it very difficult to shift my thoughts. I wasn’t capable and as many times as I tried, I failed as many times again.
Of course, as children we don’t always have the capabilities to understand how to move things away and living in a family with so much negativity didn’t help. Even if I could, living in a negative environment would have been hard for anyone to shift.
I carried all the hallmark of being depressed, insecure. That is one memory. A lot of what we hear, see and experience in our formative years, plays a part in the running of our lives, but as insecure children, we then become insecure adults. Nothing changes, we just become good at masking our insecurities, so the outside world doesn’t see what we feel.
Insecurities and fears, which cannot be placed or identified in that moment, are likely to go back further. Everything we’ve heard or seen are stored in our subconscious, recorded as a memory and feelings that went with those experiences.
Looking back and understanding more of how the subconscious works now, I know it was never something I was going to be able to work through. Too many bad experiences are responsible.