For every year that I was left in the dark, the unanswered questions remained unanswered, but in all that time I wasn’t prepared to give up.
It was the not knowing, the trying to understand, trying to get to grips with my physical and emotional disabilities, to understand my anger. Through all my dark days, too numerous to recall, there was a glimmer of hope coming from my unconscious thinking.
I believed that eventually I would get to know what it was I was I had been dealing with for all those years. I wasn’t prepared to give up on myself. If I hadn’t spent those years concentrating on my thoughts, feelings and life, I wouldn’t be so clued up to understand my life. I opened my eyes, my soul. Everything’s out on the table, ‘laid bare’ and in its rawest form.
We need to be able to see our life for what it is, for where we are. We also need to be able to understand how we get to where we are and why. We need to be able to understand people’s parts in our lives, those that were responsible. Their part helps us understand our lives enough to know that their help would never have been forthcoming, therefore we need to help ourselves.
I was a victim because I didn’t know about my physical and emotional disabilities and should have. But in all that time, I believed and continued to believe that this wasn’t something that would ever stay hidden.
I had a strong innate feeling and belief that my time would come and that I would be able to do something about it. That I would bring understanding of my life up to this point and go beyond.
The CP Diary is a culmination of those understandings and more.