Questioning support

A friend of mine just lost both his mother and stepfather within two weeks of each other and without any other family to speak of I was comparing the life that I’ve had and wondering whether if given a choice would it have been easier for me to have had a family and no contact or have a family who buy into control and interference?

Of course we will all think differently when it comes to our own lives, but struggling with family is always difficult. On a daily basis as we go about our lives, we’re not always in contact with our families, that much is true, but when we are, it can seem like a constant battle, as we continue to have to hold everything together.

What happens though if we have support and it’s the wrong support, then what? That becomes a different ball game too. Unfortunately, the wrong support can leave us constantly having to move our boundaries all the time. Without support it’s easier to let go of the emotions that hold us back, because there are no external stress and negative influences coming back at us.

If the interference is continuous and there is no let up, it can be traumatic, not to mention stressful. I believe that without extended support, as long as we’re self-sufficient I cannot see why we won’t make headway for ourselves.

Finally, no support, no interference and no contact; means no specific memories to cause dysfunctional attachment issues. Which scenario do you think is likely to cause the least emotional damage?


2 May, 2013

8 thoughts on “Questioning support

  1. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve had the least amount of interference from all family and I have a lot of family. But not having support is unsettling to me because I haven’t had that either to the extent I should have.

    Since my father passed, I haven’t had the parental guidance. the only help I’ve received from my mom is dealing with my daughter and that was more of a take over on her part. I love my mom dearly and she has listened and given some advice more in the past year I think mainly due to her illness, but that doesn’t make up for the lost time.

    I feel like the black sheep of the family on both my mom and dad’s side. I did things that were shunned on growing up and I feel my present is judged by my past which is totally wrong.

    I’m a totally different person than I used to be. But still people only see the past.

    1. I think if you feel all of these things Lisa it’s time to do something about it so that you feel better about yourself and what you’ve had to deal with. If you cannot say what you want to say to those who have made you feel like this, you should work on yourself, your own thoughts and what you want.

      We cannot change how others behave but we can change how we perceive others, although it doesn’t take away what’s happened. I think it’s hard to let go whilst something is still happening and unless you stop it, it will continue for as long as you let it. As hard as it is sometimes we just have to say what we feel and change what is.

      If you feel you cannot say something, then putting space between you is the other way to go. It’s often inevitable. No one should be made to feel like you feel or have to accept something they’re not happy to accept.

      It may seem harsh, but sometimes it’s the only way. Others won’t change, we have to change and if that means changing our circumstances to fit our lives then that’s what we must do.

  2. You are very right on the wrong support. I had very good support from my mother, but very bad support from my father. My father was very controlling not only with me but with other family members. As a result he is paying for that now.

    Hardly any one feels welcome in his house and no one visits anymore. He will have lonely years ahead until he passes on.

    1. Thanks Randy. I totally understand you and yes you’re right until your father sees the error of his ways, he will continue to live a very lonely life without his family around him.

      It would have been up to your father to have supported you in the same way your mother did, but you are seeing for yourself how others choose to be around him now. For others sometimes they stay because either they feel they should, or feel guilty when they don’t.

      It has always been my belief that we are very much responsible for what we put out there. There are no exceptions to that rule. Unfortunately for your father, he seems to be getting back what he has put out for all these years.

      It’s our life and we must choose for ourselves.

  3. This is an interesting post. I guess it is better to have no support than to have harmful interference. While neither is ideal the former is probably the ‘lesser of the two evils.’

    From my own experience and that of friends, this seems to have been a generation thing. Our parents parented how they were parented, usually hands off and very interfering; but our generation is more aware of the need to put the happiness of their children first, often before themselves.

    At the end of the day as long as my children are happy I will be able to say ‘job well done.’

    1. I think your last sentence is true for many of us. I agree with you that our children’s happiness must come first.

      Whatever we struggle with as parents, we tend to pass those struggle on to our children and most of us will parent as we have been parented unless we learn to change it.

  4. Yes I think it may be better at times not to have any support rather than deal with people who cause more damage than good!

    My parents made me question pretty much everything I did which is why I would usually prefer to do things by myself, rather than ask them for help. Even if I’m feeling sick I prefer to be left alone even if I do need some help.

    Only now do I realize that it’s actually OK to ask for help, as long as I’m asking the right people. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but I think I’m doing OK with it now.

    1. I agree. You’re right Randy asking help from the right people is so important for our emotional well-being. I am so pleased you have to got the point where you know which people you can ask for help.

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