Some early memories

27 Apr 2017

I am lucky that I when I look back I remember conversations and experiences as if they happened yesterday, which is why the Diary works. My father walking behind me when we went out for walks telling me to stop dragging my leg and to pick my foot up.

All our walks seemed to be conducted in this way. It amazes me how I managed to brush the whole thing off with just a shrug and a comment, but that wasn’t without its difficulties. I remember getting angry at the injustice of it all, but none of my physical or emotional issues were without its difficulties.

I also remember having to wear inappropriate shoes like open toed sandals, flip flops, wedges that I constantly walked out of because I couldn’t hold on to my shoe, having no working muscle in my foot or leg, let alone trying to walk normally. I used to walk toe-heal, instead of heal toe. I couldn’t make head or tail of it back then, but I do now.

When I look back I still can’t believe an original diagnosis was made for me at just under 3 years old, but the diagnosis I didn’t know about, has since changed, because I have two limbs affected, not one. That my father was aware, because he took me to my mandatory hospital checks every February. That he also took me to the Athletic Institute in May every year for 12 years, for more check ups, when I was finally discharged at the age of 15.

Unfortunately, even through these times my disability was never mentioned, never spoken about. Nothing was ever questioned and the questions I tried to ask, went unanswered.

8 Responses to “Some early memories”

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  1. Tim 27. Apr, 2017 at 5:54 pm #

    Stunningly, after all you’ve been through, you channeled your true self through your experiences, a cognitive restructuring of sorts.

    So when your brain fuses together the past with the present, that’s just your brain reminding you of your resilience.

    • Ilana 27. Apr, 2017 at 6:05 pm #

      Awww thanks Tim. Yes, there was definitely some resilience thrown in for good measure that I wasn’t consciously aware of. I think when you’re in those circumstances, there’s something inside of you that instinctively tells you can’t give up.

      I believed. It’s what keeps you grounded for so long, humbled and in sync with what you innately come to know, even if it’s not on a conscious level.

      You just know you’ve got to keep going. How long for you never know, until something happens.

  2. Bonnie Johns 27. Apr, 2017 at 9:35 pm #

    You’ve for sure turned a negative into a positive. My heart breaks when I read your blogs, when you were little and explain the neglect you received.

    You’ve come so far! A lot of people would turn negative and recluse when they’re raised in such an environment they can’t help.

    You are such a good person thriving to help other people!! You are such a gift to this world! I hope you truly know and believe that.

    • Ilana 27. Apr, 2017 at 10:13 pm #

      Awww thanks Bonnie. That means a lot and for me to hear that my blog has such a positive impact.

      I hope you continue to enjoy reading through and looking at my site and thanks for your support. We support one another.

  3. Brad 28. Apr, 2017 at 8:37 am #

    As hard as this reality is, your struggles have brought you to this place of helping others and we thank you for that.

    • Ilana 28. Apr, 2017 at 8:51 am #

      Thanks, yes I’m thankful I was strong enough to stick with it.

      As Bonnie said it would have been easy to have given up and become a recluse and there were times, when I thought what I was going through would never end. Those times were enormously difficult.

      But something inside of me was pulling me along, telling me I mustn’t give up. What that was I shall never really know, but it’s still with me today.

  4. Randy 28. Apr, 2017 at 12:39 pm #

    Yes, it is very sad that even though they knew, they never bothered to explain it to you, or even really acknowledged the issues. They just expected you to do as you were told when things like the high tone in your leg could have been altered.

    You grew up in a similar environment to mine, where my parents never really talked about our issues and expected us to just take care of ourselves most of the time. I know if it hadn’t been for my older siblings, I wouldn’t have done as well as I did. My older sister used to make sure that we got showers and fed us quite often, seeing as my mother was off busy doing her own thing.

    This is why I get so annoyed when people say things about my parents like, they did the best they could with what they had! which is such rubbish. They were usually more concerned about their own issues and having their needs met, versus making sure we had what we needed.

    My mother always seemed to be sick, but I think she enjoyed being the center of attention more, which she wasn’t getting at home after a while. The only time they usually noticed us, was when they wanted something or did something like almost slice off the tip of their finger with a razor blade. (I have the scar to prove it really did happen!)

    My early memories are pretty horrific and makes me physically ill when I remember so I try to avoid it at all costs.

    • Ilana 28. Apr, 2017 at 12:54 pm #

      Thanks Randy. Looking back although they were hard times, I believe those times shaped me.

      If we look at it from the other side of the coin, although they were hard times and what happened will never or can never be condoned, it has shaped us into being stronger as long as we choose not to stay bitter.

      You and I cannot erase the experiences, but we can choose to use our experiences as a stepping stone to a better life and new experiences that will help us grow emotionally. Your parents will have to deal with and come to terms with how they parented you.

      No one escapes themselves. Eventually they will be brought to task, once they make the transition from this side of life to the next.

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