The same old feelings

I am not sure how I feel today. The emotional ties of bringing stability to our lives, takes time and effort and can be an emotional strain, whilst I continue to deal with Cerebral Palsy. Keeping my family’s lives on track, means having to pull out the stops constantly. To think quickly on my feet and to put all that I deal with emotionally on hold. That isn’t easy.

I never really stop to think about what I deal with, not consciously anyway. I’m sure I would have very mixed thoughts if I did. I keep going back to having had no emotional support. It sometimes weighs heavily and having had to support myself for so long, has meant that I have withdrawn from the realities of what I deal with.

I have written blogs before about my thoughts, but I seem to take a different emotional road every time, just so that I am able to support myself. There are times when I stop to question my thoughts, but there are also times where I’m coping well and seem happy, but then I revert back. I may continue to blog at this point.

It may be that I’ve not come out of that place fully, the place I used to retreat to when I was feeling down, the safety net that puts a wall around me so that I can cope and deal with what I have to. I do live my life in that place, but usually come out when I feel that bit stronger.

That’s how I cope and until it’s time of course to come back to the realities of what I deal with.


21 Oct, 2010

2 thoughts on “The same old feelings

  1. I think sometimes when we are busy worrying with others problems it’s to keep us from thinking about what we deal with. Like you, I tend to go to that safety net when I get depressed and am forced to think about all that I deal with physically.

    Staying busy keeps my mind off of it. I don’t go looking for things they just happen and when I think everything is going great it all falls apart again with a family member.

    My pediatrician told my mother that I was going to be the type of person who had to be doing something all the time. At the time I was in high school, dance school, voice lessons, piano lessons and drum majorette. So as a child I was always busy. I even taught dance at the dance school I attended.

    I understand where your coming from. When we grow up with physical problems it’s what we know and it’s how we live daily just like people that have no problems. We see ourselves as normal because to us it is normal.

    1. Lisa I think that the safety net issue is probably something we all do in one form of another given with what we deal with. It’s a form of escapism. Somewhere familiar which is safe.

      I know when I’m there I don’t think at all. I tend to switch off and think of nothing. It helps me refocus and re-group so that my head is clear to face the world again.

      I understand what you are saying about things just happening, you don’t look for things. I think that is true of life though, we don’t go out of our way to look for things to happen. Family come and find us!

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