It’s nothing short of a miracle that I’ve got to this place, pretty much mentally unscathed. I look back on my experiences, particularly in my childhood where I continually struggled, but my life seems to have been one long struggle.
There is no doubt now that my site has cushioned and softened the blow, but this is one area of my life, where I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive. I would like to think in time I can find a place for the neglect around my physical and emotional difficulties, but I still find the whole concept staggering.
It’s hard to reconcile when you know someone had made it clear they didn’t want to know. It’s comforting to know that although my mum could never talk about my condition, I know she did her best. She tried to cushion me by making things better around my Cerebral Palsy, but sadly, I never understood her efforts because I didn’t know what I was dealing with.
When it came to mandatory exercises, my mum kept saying, ‘you can’t have a pretty face without a pretty leg.’ I don’t feel bad for how that went, because nothing was ever made clear or specific enough, but I know now that was my mum’s way of trying to help me, even though she couldn’t talk about it.
I am happy to conform to something I understand. When it came to my disability, there was nothing to understand. This is something I would never come to understand. It’s hard to forgive those who chose to expose me, instead of choosing to support me.
I’ve simply had to work this out for myself. I’m grateful I can move on spiritually. I have sewn a seed many times and this is not my issue or burden to carry. Those others will need to reconcile for themselves.