Wanting to know

13 Feb 2017

It’s nothing short of a miracle that I’ve got to this place, pretty much mentally unscathed. I look back on my experiences, particularly in my childhood where I continually struggled, but my life seems to have been one long struggle.

There is no doubt now that my site has cushioned and softened the blow, but this is one area of my life, where I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive. I would like to think in time I can find a place for the neglect around my physical and emotional difficulties, but I still find the whole concept staggering.

It’s hard to reconcile when you know someone had made it clear they didn’t want to know. It’s comforting to know that although my mum could never talk about my condition, I know she did her best. She tried to cushion me by making things better around my Cerebral Palsy, but sadly, I never understood her efforts because I didn’t know what I was dealing with.

When it came to mandatory exercises, my mum kept saying, ‘you can’t have a pretty face without a pretty leg.’ I don’t feel bad for how that went, because nothing was ever made clear or specific enough, but I know now that was my mum’s way of trying to help me, even though she couldn’t talk about it.

I am happy to conform to something I understand. When it came to my disability, there was nothing to understand. This is something I would never come to understand. It’s hard to forgive those who chose to exposed me, instead of choosing to support me.

I’ve simply had to work this out for myself. I’m grateful I can move on spiritually. I have sewn a seed many times and this is not my issue or burden to carry. Those others will need to reconcile for themselves.

6 Responses to “Wanting to know”

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  1. Randy 13. Feb, 2017 at 8:53 pm #

    Yes, my life has seemed to be one long struggle too, which I have a hard time thinking about. I find that I tend to get very angry when I think about all the what ifs in my life and how differently things could have turned out. It is a miracle for me that I didn’t become a sociopath, seeing as that’s what it seemed like that was what they wanted me to be.

    My mother wanted me to be a vindictive and shallow self absorbed person like she was, which wasn’t in my character. I didn’t even enjoy behaving that way even though she rewarded me for it. My Dad was pretty oblivious to what was really going on, so I don’t think he ever got it. It just angers and disgusts me that they would do this to us and wonder why we hated them so much.

    I so wish I could just forgive and forget, but that isn’t possible since I had pretty close to a photographic memory at one time. I can remember so many things in crystal clear detail. People think that would be a great thing, but considering what I went through, I put in a lot of effort with drugs and alcohol to wipe out those memories.

    It didn’t work, so the most I can do is try to avoid even thinking about them. My dad didn’t really believe in psychiatry and meds, which is why my mom was overmedicated and under-treated.

    I don’t blame her for wanting to mentally check out, seeing how much she was suffering and all my dad did was make fun of her. This was why I didn’t seek out treatment, which would have saved me from a lifetime of the hell that I have had to endure.

    I know I’m supposed to be forgiving, due to my AA program, but I sure can’t forget, as much as I want to.

    • Ilana 13. Feb, 2017 at 10:21 pm #

      Thanks Randy. And for being so honest and open about your experiences. I believe it always helps to get those experiences out into the open, even if we can’t change them, because that way we sew a seed and makes us feel slightly better for doing it.

      I think our past shapes us, not always in the way we hope, but if things happen for a reason and something eventually comes good, then we will always become stronger for it.

      Perhaps we’re not always seeing the things becoming good, but we are and have to be instrumental in that. Again it’s a work-in-progress. We have to keep working on it and finding ways through. We have to let it go.

  2. Tim 13. Feb, 2017 at 10:43 pm #

    It’s a good thing that you live in your skin, inquisitive and shiny as you are.

    And thank you for sharing your life and your memories with us. We’re with you and we want to know too.

    • Ilana 14. Feb, 2017 at 7:03 am #

      Aww thanks Tim. You’re welcome. Even as a small child I was this way. Perhaps I had a sixth sense then about my sensory issues and is the reason why I would internalise everything. I found peace that way.

      When you have no one you can talk to, or anyone who will listen, it definitely helps. The CP Diary has given me a platform to talk about the things that matter in my world, but not only for me in my world and what I have had to deal with and continue to deal with, but hopefully for others too.

      It’s important we have freedom of expression to say what we feel, but what we say must come from the heart, because the heart deals with our truth.

  3. Bonnie Johns 17. Feb, 2017 at 6:19 am #

    This reminds me of forgiving but not forgetting. My parents didn’t want to know, because they didn’t trust doctors at all, so they were better off not knowing.

    They knew it would take a ton of tastings, the poking, blood drawing and they didn’t want their child to endure pain. of course I don’t blame them for that, but instead thankful. Sometimes I wish they had done the testings so I wouldn’t have to go through it myself, but it’s up to me to do it now if I want to.

    Doing the tests now, they feel bad and ask how the appointment went and all that. I guess what I’m trying to say, is I didn’t have the neglect you had Ilana, even though some people feel my parents neglected me medically. In fact it was the exact opposite.

    I’m glad you’ve come to be content with everything from your past.

    • Ilana 17. Feb, 2017 at 7:47 am #

      This is so hard for you Bonnie. I resonate with you, because I see similarities in your response for me too, but differently.

      You’re parents consciously made a decision not to get you tested through goodwill because they didn’t want you to struggle or go through painful tests and I get that. They were being kind as they saw it.

      There was no malicious intent, they put you first, but by doing that you would always get to this place, where you wanted or needed to know what you were dealing with.

      If you liken your experiences to that of being adopted you will see why. Making a decision to go and find something out, which we have no answers on, will always bring about guilt for our parents further down the line and will serve as a gentle reminder of the decisions they took at that time.

      My circumstances are slightly different and you’re right. I have had to deal with and continue to deal with neglect through my own experiences and that’s not something I can change now; but my site helps soften the blow and gives me a focus of all that is positive.

      Either way, we can never take away or forget our experiences, however we get to this place, but you do need to know about your disability. I would be happy to forgive your parents. Your parents only ever put you first and it’s easy to see why, but you have your chance now to find out and you have their support. You need to do it.

      Although I understand the comments about neglect around your medical needs, those people must also take into account why your parents made the decision they did. The decision your parents made was by no way easy. They for all intents and purposes put you emotionally first.

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