Being unnecessarily difficult

5 May 2016

I believe there is a difference between being difficult unnecessarily, because we know we can and know we’ll get away with it and being difficult unnecessarily, because we struggle and fail to cope. It’s fine if we’re not having to put up with that person’s behaviour, but if we are that can be a nightmare.

We may still choose to let it go for a quiet life so as not to rock the boat and because in the short term it may seem easier, but in the long term it’s something that never goes away. If we continually have someone in our midst that mirrors that type of behaviour, then perhaps it’s time for us to do something about it.

It becomes generally accepted that if we’re struggling with something and we’re being difficult because of it, then that’s okay, but being difficult for difficult sake, is never a good thing. Unfortunately, some of us may choose to adopt this behaviour full time, because it’s far easier to stay difficult, than it is to turn our behaviour around.

For those of us dealing with difficult people, it’s important we continue to deal with them, rather than avoid them. Avoidance will never work. If on the other hand, we choose to leave things unsaid, or steer clear of disagreements, those times will create needless anxiety.

Of course, dealing with any conflict takes energy, patience, maturity and experience. It’s important in those situations for us to stand back so that we can work on being objective, calm and dispassionate.

Having been around unnecessarily difficult people in my lifetime, in the long term, I have chosen not to have those people in my life.

8 Responses to “Being unnecessarily difficult”

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  1. Randy 05. May, 2016 at 2:11 pm #

    Yes, dealing with those toxic people can be very aggravating, to put it mildly!

    I have dealt with far too many in my lifetime, which is probably the biggest reason I hate dealing with people. I was forced as a child to try making my mother happy, which turned out to be an impossible feat.

    She just kept doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results which is the definition of insanity! I find myself thinking of her since Mother’s Day is coming up and feeling rather conflicted. On one hand I loved her because she was my mother, but on the other I find myself very angry, because we didn’t get the mother we deserved.

    What kind of mother makes her life so difficult by expecting her own children to make her be happy, when in reality nothing would? It explains so much about why I got into the relationships I did and putting up with so much chaos and insanity from them.

    I was well trained to ignore the world around me and to put all my focus on being a caretaker! It was a role I hated with a passion but also was accustomed too, from the conditioning I had received.

    It has taken me a long time to finally accept and believe that I don’t have to continue being in that role, even if it’s expected of me.

    It is okay for me to have my own life and not feel guilty about it. My Mother is long dead so it’s time to put her ghost to rest, at least in my mind!

    • Ilana 05. May, 2016 at 2:23 pm #

      It is absolutely okay for you to have your own life and it was not okay for you to take on the role you did.

      That said, you did and there’s nothing you can do about it, except learn to live with it as your past and then move on.

      We cannot change our past or living amongst people who choose to make our lives unnecessarily difficult. It’s even harder when it comes from the people who are supposed to protect us.

      I absolutely agree with you Randy where you say it’s time to put your mum’s ghost to rest in your mind. Some time off from thinking about what’s happened will help you bring some space into your life.

      The less time you spend thinking about it, the easier you will find it to move on.

  2. Tim 05. May, 2016 at 10:19 pm #

    Difficult people can drive a wedge between me and my sanity. So I cross my right leg over my left and give them their God given right to be difficult by themselves.

    What good is life if you spend your time wrestling with nonsense?

    • Ilana 05. May, 2016 at 10:29 pm #

      Thanks Tim. You’re right. No life is worth nonsense, getting stressed or ill in the process.

      For the reasons above, I would say there comes a time in everyone’s life where living amongst difficult people is counterproductive and it would be time to give them up.

  3. Brad 05. May, 2016 at 10:31 pm #

    Oh boy I could write a book about difficult people and I agree it’s very difficult having a relationship with them, so I choose to limit my time with them when I can. That’s how I cope with their decision to behave that way.

    • Ilana 06. May, 2016 at 6:02 am #

      Being in someone’s company when they are unnecessarily difficult puts a lot of stress on us emotionally, which isn’t good for our emotional health.

      I would always endeavour to limit spending time with anyone who has those personality traits. The sad reality is that they often think there’s nothing wrong with them and that we are the ones who are difficult.

  4. Bonnie Strickland Johns 07. May, 2016 at 9:17 am #

    Definitely agree! My mom is dealing with a very difficult person she works with; and so happens lives next to.

    This woman is my mom’s ‘friend’ and hearing the stories from work on how this woman gives her a difficult time, makes it difficult not to go to her house and give her a piece of my mind!

    My mom says no and wants to remain what peace there is.

    • Ilana 07. May, 2016 at 9:30 am #

      Thanks Bonnie. I know someone who took the same stance as your mum, wanting to keep the peace (what little peace there was), but the reality is being unnecessarily difficult doesn’t leave us if we’re that way inclined.

      Keeping the peace doesn’t help because unless that person sees their behaviour for themselves, they will not change and will continue to make other people’s lives difficult, as you have seen with your mum.

      I agree it’s not easy going back in because finding the right words can be difficult, but it’s not only your mum who is suffering, you are too because you can see your mum struggle and that becomes a stress factor.

      To pacify anyone in the longer term will never work; instead it splits families.

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