Gentle reminders

Until my mid-thirties I struggled enormously with the things I couldn’t change. Through our own struggles and through our children’s success, there will always be those gentle reminders that serve to reinforce our own lack of success. Through our vision for our children, those reminders will stir up negative thoughts on what we didn’t go on to achieve.

So how do we move on so that we don’t go back to negative thoughts about our own accomplishments? I believe to do that we must learn and come to understand why things didn’t happen for us in our own lives, so that we’re not drawing comparisons with our children.

Perhaps we must learn to recognise the things we can change, so that we go about making those changes, whilst we let go of the things we know we can’t that we get to re-write history, not someone else’s history. It’s that simple.

We don’t get to change other people or their roles in what we have failed to achieve, but we do get to change our lives so that we have our own and new experiences to draw on, whilst we leave our children to get on with their lives with their own accomplishments.


20 Feb, 2015

8 thoughts on “Gentle reminders

  1. How do we measure success anyway? Who is successful and who is not? I think I am successful simply because I am comfortable in my own skin, with my tiny piece of the rock.

    But if our children are more successful than we are then we have reached the zenith of success ourselves.

    1. Thanks Tim. I love your response and which is why The CP Diary works. You’ve shown me a completely different way of looking at today’s blog.

      It often helps to see other people’s perspective on what we think and what we deal with and that always helps.

  2. I think I failed as a parent in this aspect. I achieved more than my daughter has and she struggles so much. I finished college and married then had a family.

    She wants to go to college to try to finish her education, but once she gets in there she quits. She isn’t married but expecting a child soon. She is totally lost and I can’t seem to be able to help her. She won’t listen to me when I try to help her.

    Now my step-daughter that I helped raise from age 8 went to college and got a degree but she had a child first then got married, but she has a great job and a home and is doing well. I’m not saying anything is wrong with having a child out of wedlock; it’s just that when I was growing up that was backwards and shunned upon.

    I wasn’t a total mess growing up and in my 20’s but I kind of half-way expected more out of my children. That’s when I wonder what I did wrong.

    1. Thanks Lisa. I’m not sure we always have to have done something wrong. I’m not getting that at all.

      Whatever we guide and help our children with, they will always have their own opinions of what they want for themselves and how they want things done. Putting the foundations in place when they’re little I find helps.

      When I was growing up I had no choice but to listen and live my parents’ life, but from what you say about your daughter, the advice you’ve given her has always put her interests first.

      If your daughter doesn’t agree with your advice and wants to go with her own thoughts on what she wants for herself, there’s not a lot you can do. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just means she’s chosen a different path that you didn’t want her to take, probably with good reason.

      Try not to feel too bad Lisa.

  3. I always find myself doubting my accomplishments in life. I think to myself I am just a stay-at-home mom. I see all my siblings doing something with their lives and I can’t help but feel left out.

    I have to remind myself that I do a lot at home by taking care of the house and being a mom. I hope that all my children will reach whatever success they desire.

    Seeing them happy will make me feel like a successful person.

    1. Thanks Maria. I believe a lot of what we think stems from our childhood; what we have to deal with and how others deal with us.

      I know how you feel. Being a mum is the most important job because Without love guidance and support, no child is assured success. It’s not an easy job raising children but it is an important and one of the hardest jobs, I believe.

      I try not to compare, because it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important in our lives. I’m sure you’re doing a great job Maria.

  4. Yes, I get those quite often although they aren’t always that gentle in my mind, at least!

    I’ve heard it being called the “magic magnifying mind,” which sounds about right to me when it comes to my failures in life. (Try looking up Kelly Clarkson’s video, “Because of you,” which shows what I imagine my daughter feels at times!)

    It can be so very hard at times not to dwell on the past, but I have been trying to work on not doing it quite so much. My daughter will need me to be her dad now, while she goes through possibly losing her mother, so I need to stay focused on the present and what I can do to help her out!

    1. I’ll look at the video you’ve mentioned. Thanks Randy. I’ve spent a considerable amount of my own life looking at the past, feeling guilty for the things I should have changed or even done.

      It gets easier once we are able to move on with our lives, but there will be to some extent those gentle reminders. Perhaps we just need to accept them as part of who we are. All of our experiences shape us, whether they are successful or not.

      I agree that given your now circumstances, your daughter will need you to be there for her. When it comes to our children it’s always important we stay focused. Our role as a parent, once a parent never stops.

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