Parents of convenience

Sadly, when parents do things at their own convenience, they distance themselves emotionally and it is the emotional distance that stays with the child.

For children of some divorced parents, they may potentially do even less, but children whose parents stay together for the sake of their children, don’t get an easy ride either. In a way it’s harder for those children, because there’s little physical separation, whose children still need to cope having both parents present.

As a child, to know that you come second best isn’t easy to comprehend; but harder for a child who carries a disability and has to work through their disability emotionally on their own, as I have had to do.

Of course, for any child being raised by parents who work from this standpoint, that will do little for a child’s confidence and self-esteem. For the child, it’s often difficult to switch off to that kind of parenting, because children will naturally want to crave the love and support.

It’s the love and support that gets a child through their childhood, balanced. On the part of the child, whose parents do things at their own convenience, they will continue to aim to please in the hope that pleasing will bring a different understanding, attitude and outcome from their family.


8 Oct, 2017

4 thoughts on “Parents of convenience

  1. My parents stayed together for our sake and I so wish they hadn’t. It would have been so much better if they had just stayed divorced rather than getting remarried to avoid us ending up in foster care.

    We then grew up in an environment where they only did things for us when they felt like it and usually only when they had something to gain from being nice to us.

    We were reminded of the reason for them being together, directly and indirectly on a daily basis, which made me feel like such a burden.

    This is exactly why I so despise asking for help, because of the way I was treated as a kid. They made us feel like we were asking for a kidney or something; just because we asked for something like a winter jacket in the middle of winter.

    It may have been convenient for them, but for us it was a hell that even now, still continues to haunt me. They shouldn’t have bothered.

    1. Thanks Randy. I get you. Yes, I often used to think how much better it would be to come from a broken home than to live in one.

      It’s probably not something all children think about, but sometimes what you see makes the assumption fairly obvious.

      You weren’t the burden of course. It was your parents’ inability to manage themselves, let alone children. It’s important for us not to make our parents’ issues about us.

      It’s just such a shame that some parents’ just don’t get the parenting thing right and parent as they have been parented and still don’t see how damaging or wrong that can be.

      Of course, if you have model parents to learn from, there is nothing to change.

  2. Reading this I think of my three daughters. Fortunately my children don’t suffer from any form of disability as we do, but I do have two girls that have ADHD and each of their symptoms and learning methods differ from each other.

    One thing I’ve noticed throughout my lifetime, are parents that pick favorites with their kids and nothing infuriates me more. Children at a young age pay attention to this, they’re intuitive and they hold those sad memories for a lifetime.

    My husband picks favorites, even though he has adamantly denied this. Actions always speak louder than words and our eldest daughter knew this at a very young age. It breaks my heart over and over again when she mentions it and makes me so mad at him and other parents that do this.

    Our two younger children are the twinkle in his eye, but our eldest isn’t so much. So as a result, I’ve tucked her under my wing and remind her everyday she is so smart and so beautiful and the best blessing to me and to so much of our family!

    I tell my other girls the same, Id never want them to feel excluded and it’s truly how I feel about my children anyway. My oldest child is my first love, my first everything and I truly hope and pray she knows this and how she is so important to me.

    Her father does love her very much, but her ADHD has made him sound inconvenient with it. As if she has any control of it. It isn’t her problem, it’s his and anyone else who is ‘inconvenienced’ by it.

    My poor girl. I love her so much!

    1. Your response writes home a scenario for me too with my parents; particularly with my eldest and you’re absolutely right Bonnie.

      With my eldest it was the first born grandchild boy and yes it’s as you describe, but unless those who are responsible take responsibility, there’s not much we can do to change the dynamics of the relationship, unless we remove our children.

      I do think playing ‘favourites’ affects our children and makes them feel superior in some ways, but inferior in other ways, because unless they’re feeling superior inside and out, they will still have their own insecurities.

      Feeling secure and at ease with ourselves is all done through the soul and ‘soul work’ is not only time consuming, but not so easy to do.

      I suspect all those children who have had this done to them, will struggle inwardly. It’s also not fair on the other siblings as you have rightly pointed out. In a way they become untouchable.

      That’s something else we’re left with to sort out. Like they’re the chosen ones. Both my children are equal in my eyes, regardless of what’s been done and my children know that.

      Thanks for bringing this up Bonnie. It needed to be said.

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