The last piece of the jigsaw

The hardest thing for me is hearing the recent truth of how I got to this place. Now 11 years into my initial cerebral palsy diagnosis, there is one last piece of the jigsaw to add, that I couldn’t have foreseen or anticipated without looking at my life in detail.

Looking into what we deal with that we don’t even know about is hard, made harder when we learn the facts behind the deeds and come out with an altogether thinking about those who were responsible for …

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26 Nov, 2020

Preconceptions

Growing up, I didn’t have any preconceptions or opinions on my disability or what those meant. I had to wait until such a time I could find out what it all really meant.

I owed it to myself to understand what I needed to know about a disability I didn’t know I had. I also needed to come to understand how and why I got to this place, rather than rely on the information I had …

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22 Nov, 2020

On the right path

I never thought about the right path growing up because I was always unconsciously aware the road for me would be difficult, because I lived with a disability I didn’t know I had. It was easier to block it out, but it would never go completely.

But if you’re on the right path you will know, not necessarily because you will see physical signs that tell you, but because your feelings will tell you. If you are intuitively aware, you will pick up on …

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18 Nov, 2020

A conversation with Mum

At the age of 46 I was able to start piecing my disability and life together. I’ve had to start from the beginning and painstakingly work through my experiences. It was lovely speaking to mum.

Intuitively, I bring the truth to my writing, and every now and again If I’ve taken a reading to help with issues around autism and anxiety, I may check back to quantify psychic readings, where I need to. I am …

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15 Nov, 2020

Being responsible for ourselves

I am not sure how old I was when I came to realise that being responsible for myself was important. Looking back it hard everything to do with being left to emotionally work through a disability I didn’t know I had.

I know just how important that decision was for me to take the initiative, and take back control. I couldn’t have done or changed anything about my life, my writing and blog wouldn’t exist without knowing about …

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10 Nov, 2020

An impossible understanding

It’s now eleven years into my unofficial diagnosis and I still think about my disability, and how I got to this place. There is never a day go by where I’m not thinking about how I was made to this life, trying to understand the non-reasoning behind the deed.

I’m not sure how anyone could allow a child to live a live around a disability they didn’t know they had. I’m trying, but I find it impossible to reconcile. Where I think I have come to terms with the enormity …

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9 Nov, 2020

Feelings of Dread

Through my disability including autism, every day difficulties are unpleasant. I fail to feel the highs when I achieve those; and am mentally and emotionally affected through autism, by the lows.

Being able to feel euphoric or elated about an achievement, would balance the lows, but not being able to feel in that way is worse, because I will never feel or have that euphoric moment, when I unconsciously …

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2 Nov, 2020

Sequence of Events

Having written for 10 years about cerebral palsy, and trying to piece my disability together, I am struggling to come to terms with the enormity of being left in the dark around a disability I didn’t know I had.

It goes something like this. You live with symptoms you didn’t know were symptoms, you struggle, you continue to fail, you struggle, and you fail again. There was no empathy or compassion around my disability …

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29 Oct, 2020

Living in the Pandemic

I have always looked at things positively to see how I can feel better about what I deal with and what I need to overcome. Thankfully, 8 months in and I am now feeling more comfortable about living in the pandemic.

In the early months I struggled to get to grips with it. It scared me so much that I couldn’t sleep or eat, luckily I had my blog …

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25 Oct, 2020

Helping us through Change

Living with a disability where I am more mentally and emotionally disabled than physically is difficult as I adjust through the pandemic.

Change is scary. I wouldn’t belittle anyone feeling scared, or who carries anxiety, but without a disability you have the ability to rationale your thoughts and being able to do that cuts down on anxiety and …

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21 Oct, 2020
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