My own emotional support

It’s important we do more to emotionally support children growing up. From an early age it become obvious I had no support. I often felt on my own.

With a disability I didn’t know I had the road ahead seemed daunting. I was aware of some of my struggles, but wasn’t in a position to say anything that would make a difference. Where others weren’t listening, I had to listen to myself.

My thought process which has never changed, brought me a little understanding through some difficult times. Still struggling with school at the age of 15 having …

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25 May, 2019

When trust becomes the issue

There are days when I struggle, because I was manipulated. Being brought into other people’s confidence over the years, them watching me struggle and doing nothing about it and me trusting them.

Not knowing about cerebral palsy wouldn’t have been such an issue if my mental and emotional issues had been dealt with. We cope when we’re supported, but when we’re not trust becomes the issue …

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21 May, 2019

The CP Diary is 9 today

Another back to back blog, but all in a good cause. Today my website is 9 years old, into its 10th year of blogging and I couldn’t be happier.

As each year passes, it gets harder to think about something to write each time I pass another milestone. I’ve seen positivity reach far and wide, I know what my blog does for me, reaching another milestone today …

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17 May, 2019

More on ‘flat affect’

When I learn more about my disability, I learn more about myself and I’m still learning things about myself. I know I have flat affect. It is the result of unusual brain activity, slightly more complicated in my case, because my emotions are impaired through cerebral palsy.

One area of my brain that isn’t active is the one which is responsible for emotional response, in other words a function of alertness, level of distraction, vigilance, a direction of attention and stress …

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16 May, 2019

Intellectual arrogance

My disability was never given the time of day, talked about or aired as a child, suffice to say that’s how it has stayed, until I started my blog. The hard part for me was having to exist in an environment where my life around my disability stayed underground.

Without me keeping my experiences alive through my blog, my disability would never have been mentioned in my lifetime …

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13 May, 2019

Asperger’s and me

Another personal back to back. Having grown up with fear and anxiety issues and having been diagnosed in January 2019 with Asperger’s I now understand why I have Asperger’s and how my Asperger’s works.

It’s made worse because I have brain damage and my emotions are impaired. As I write I continue to look back at my childhood experiences,  and still feel irritated that I was left to deal with anxiety, fear and …

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9 May, 2019

Same old thoughts

I am still struggling with the concept that I was left to fumble in the dark for 46 years of my life not knowing I lived with a disability or what it was, having no emotional support to deal with the enormity of it and being exposed to each of its elements.

Knowing about my disability now instead of when I was a child isn’t resting with me. Being alone with those thoughts isn’t easy. The realisation of what happened and the concealment involved never leaves …

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8 May, 2019

Feelings through words

Because of extensive damage to my cerebral cortex brought about through cerebral palsy and Autism, I don’t have the automatic ability to feel or respond to another person’s emotions or to feel another person’s emotional state as if their emotions were something I felt for myself.

I don’t have cognitive empathy and have never been able to feel, but through my words, I can empathise, use compassion, be tolerant and have understanding. My intuition is a big part of that. It allows …

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2 May, 2019

The injustice of it all

There’s a photograph of me as a child that I often find myself peering at. I don’t know how old I was but I must have been about 8 or 9, sitting on a chair on my knees in a blue and white gingham dress with the window to my back garden behind me.

This photograph sits in my lounge. I love this photograph as it shows an altogether different me. My smile wasn’t a smile, but I understand why now. I’m not looking at the photo in terms of how young I …

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30 Apr, 2019