Walking away

In the early years, I had already worked out that walking away emotionally wouldn’t help me. That no matter how hard things got, I kept going. I unconsciously had already made the connections that I’d still have myself to deal with.

Walking away mentally or physically is never the answer to our problems, but it’s so much more character building when you stay and face your issues. Through the other end you get to change your life …

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22 Feb, 2020

A disability not obvious

It’s impossible to navigate a disability where it’s not obvious and you don’t come across as particularly disabled, but you still have mental and emotional struggles you deal with that aren’t always obvious to the outside world. It would be easy for others to be confused.

But my blogs and book tell a different story as I highlight my mental and emotional struggles for the first time. As a small child, I felt like a freak, because my disability wasn’t obvious and because I didn’t fit into …

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18 Feb, 2020

My autistic smile

My autism is mild enough for me to live my life, and although it gets in the way of my day to day living, it has allowed me to work through and document my experiences. I don’t mind autism, but others certainly struggle to understand me.

For 56 years I have been trying to work out why every time I look at myself in the mirror, why my gaze is fixed and without a natural animation smile and I know why now. I hate that I have no animation to …

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16 Feb, 2020

Autism, a social awkwardness

The social awkwardness of autism is the most difficult to deal with. I have never really thought about how I present.

Growing up, I thought my physical disability was responsible for everything. I didn’t know autism was responsible for my mental and emotional disabilities. Although I have mild autism and I’m not high functioning …

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10 Feb, 2020

Others accepting us

I’ve talked about my relationship with autism and the difficulties I have in forming and fitting into people’s lives around it, but I haven’t gone into detail about other people’s relationship with me and how they deal with my autism.

This not only applies to me, but to others who also deal with autism. Autism makes us socially awkward. We don’t do …

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8 Feb, 2020

Accepting myself

I have never changed my resolve to know and understand what I deal with. Although it has taken time, over the years I have come to accept my cerebral palsy. It doesn’t change or define who I am, if anything, it has made my resolve stronger and me more determined. In the early years that would have been up for debate.

Given my circumstances around my disability, accepting myself has been difficult, but it has given me a life that has catapulted me into a different more positive head space, away from the early years. Although I …

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5 Feb, 2020

Mum’s intimations

I know my mum’s illness brought her to a place where she knew she could intimate about my disability with no recourse to herself. I never consciously made the connections with her words, but that’s all it would take for my journey to begin.

I remember thinking at the time it seemed a little odd and out of character for her, it was as if she was trying to unburden herself. Now with the bigger picture in front of me that is exactly what she was trying …

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4 Feb, 2020

Free from blame

There was one area of my life that I continually blamed myself for and that was my failing in school. Each day was a continual battle.

As I dutifully got dressed each morning, unconsciously I knew it was going to be another day of struggles. It wasn’t that I just didn’t get school, I had a mental disability that I didn’t know I had that …

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31 Jan, 2020

Autism and communication

On my struggle days I hate autism with a passion, but it’s still a gift. Every day as I write, my words come easily, but trying to find the words when I am speaking to people, is near to impossible. My brain doesn’t work.

Because I have and deal with autism, where it matters, or I have something I want to say that’s important, I struggle to find the …

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25 Jan, 2020

Autism and facial expressions

There are so many things I grew up with not knowing about myself, the biggest bug bear is my lack of facial expression, through autism that I didn’t know I had.

With autism, it’s not just how we look, it’s how we smile, the way we look, it’s in our eyes. I was aware it was something, but nothing about autism was highlighted, mentioned or explained. Through medical …

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23 Jan, 2020