A change of path

Sadly, I don’t get to change my life up the point of finding out I had Cerebral Palsy at the age of 46, but I do get to reflect on a few things.

Given my upbringing and environment I always assumed I wouldn’t amount to very much, because I wasn’t expected to have aspirations. My life was mapped out for marriage and children. And as I continued to live my life I still didn’t know what was wrong with me.

Although I continued to live my life thinking I’d never find out because that was the way my life was going, I was subconsciously not willing to give up. Instead I chose not to have any expectations of myself, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed at myself or in myself. I was determined not to belittle myself.

I also know that if it hadn’t been for the comment mum had made when she just found out she was terminally ill, I never would have found out about Cerebral Palsy. Mum telling me that my birth was difficult, opened a door that had long been closed on my disability.

Mum had been waiting in the wings all that time and would have wanted me to know, but that was difficult for her to do. She had her reasons, but it was her terminal illness that gave her the unfettered freedom to tell me.

That my change of path with knowing ‘my birth was difficult’ 11 years ago opened the door on a diagnosis, my symptoms and The CP Diary. My mum paved the way for me to take new steps.

29 Mar, 2018

4 thoughts on “A change of path

  1. This makes for unhappy reading if I am honest. I hate that you were ‘groomed’ to think in one way, which obviously wasn’t your own thinking, but I am pleased your mum was able to do what any mum would and looked after her child.

    It is sad that she was unable to say anything earlier to you, but from reading your blogs over the years, I understand why that was the case.

    1. Thanks. Yes of course. A lot of my personal blogs aren’t always easy to write, but it helps for me to get my thoughts out.

      I think your second paragraph sums up your response. I often find it difficult to comprehend but then console myself by looking at what I do with my blog.

  2. You’re in a good place now Ilana, knowing that your mom is communicating with you, without saying anything at all; she knows you’re getting closer to being whole.

    You’ll move forward through many more paths, but your mom will show you the route you have to take.

    1. Aww thanks Tim. Yes, since my mum passed I believe she is watching me, I have no doubts there.

      I also believe that what little she did say before she passed, was her way of trying to help me; that finally there was something I could do. I am in a much better place now but I do have my moments where everything still feels big.

      Sadly, the medical notes I have don’t make for comfortable reading.

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