A few more thoughts

The CP Diary is a journey of self-discovery, amongst other things. It’s a place where I feel safe, I can say what I feel in ways that are appropriate, even if I’m feeling bad about something.

It’s also a place where I can give others food for thought on their own lives and how they can get the best from what they have to deal with. I feel better when I write about and talk about things, even if I know I can’t change things.

Having recently looked through some of my medical records that I acquired 5 years ago, I have now found out that I have a very mild secondary non-structural scoliosis. In the same letter my doctor also confirmed that this diagnosis was brought about by a difference in my leg length because of Cerebral Palsy.

I remember the consultation as if it were yesterday, but don’t remember the discussion that took place. I was the child, I didn’t participate in the discussion. As was always the case with any consultation I attended, nothing was ever discussed by my father with me after we left, so the diagnosis has now come as quite a shock.

I feel angry and agitated and think it neglectful. Not knowing what I have been dealing with for all of these years means I have paid a heavy price.

5 Jul, 2014

8 thoughts on “A few more thoughts

  1. I’m glad you have this site. I have learned a lot over the past 4 years that has helped me. I’m glad it helps you most of all.

  2. The CP Dairy is a place to exercise the mind and exchange opinions, sentiments and observations of life. I also feel safe and comfortable while participating on this site.

    I find it disturbing that your health was handled so negligently in your adolescent years and you have paid a very heavy price. But we are here to provide you the same comfort and understanding that you afford us daily.

    1. Thanks for your kind words Tim. My negative experiences might have gone the other way and I’m not really sure how or why my life didn’t go that way. Instead I have used my negative experiences to turn them into something so very positive that will help others with their lives too.

      I am pleased The CP Diary is all of these things to you too. If I can use and turn my experiences to make a difference to other people in their lives, then my earlier experiences will have been put to good use.

      I cannot turn the clock back or change my experiences, but I can certainly make a difference in how I perceive those experiences and turn them into something positive.

  3. It is clearly wrong how your parents hid so much from you and obviously left you in a worse place for doing so.

    To me that is unforgivable. However you have done the opposite and you write about your experiences and that helps you and others more than you probably know. Turning something that negative into something so positive is a wonderful thing.

    You now have access to all your records and have the knowledge that you should have had all along. That part of your journey is complete in the knowledge that you have overcome.

    1. Thank you! When you put it like that I agree with your sentiments. Writing about this part of my journey and understanding what I know now does help me bring closure, particularly as I have been instrumental in getting myself to this stage.

      Being pro-active and learning to understand our journey and how things work out I believe helps.

  4. Yes, it can be quite frustrating when you look back on your childhood and see pretty obvious neglect of things that could have been addressed.

    Mine was depression, anxiety, etc. and my parents could have done a much better job of helping me to cope! I still find it highly insulting at times when people say things like, “They did the best they could!” when I know it’s a crock! It does leave you with a lot of feelings like anger and the like of the way things could have been.

    The only time people can really understand what you’re saying is if they have been through it themselves. People act so shocked when you have hard feelings towards your parents, which you’re supposedly not supposed to have.

    They gave me life but not much more than that, so I have a right to feel the way I feel! I spent my childhood having my feelings and rights being ignored.

    I’m trying very hard to get beyond those feelings but it definitely won’t happen overnight!

    1. Thanks Randy. You’re absolutely right, your parents should have helped you with your depression and anxiety, any parent should. I cannot answer for any one else’s parents, but believe my parents did the best they could given their own parentage.

      I always try to look for the understanding in everything I have to deal with. That doesn’t take away anyone’s responsibility or accountability for what they say or do, but it does go some way for us to understand why they may have behaved in a certain way.

      I don’t believe anyone would wittingly go out of their way to hurt anyone unless they have emotional issues. I think given my parents’ background, they weren’t equipped to help in the way they should have. In my mind that is the difference.

      I also believe that when we can see the bigger picture of what someone deals with, we’re more likely to understand and less likely to judge.

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