A lifetime of disbelief

Given the degree of hurt and unnecessary suffering, I seem to have the same old thoughts whirring in my head, but it’s not surprising given my experiences.

Given ‘my story’ it would be hard for anyone to let go of these thoughts. I still cannot believe that through other people’s ignorance my difficulties, irritations, anger and confusion we’re ignored, growing up.

I also can’t believe that through anger I was still that pleasing child. That where others didn’t have my back, I still continued to believe they did and didn’t stop to question my life. Them not wanting to know about my disability or for me to know, would always cause a ripple effect: I didn’t understand that either.

The hardest part was that whilst I continued to struggle with issues around the neurological difficulties I didn’t know I had, I continued to fail at everything. The frustrations around my physical difficulties although difficult, seemed to pale into insignificance over my mental difficulties.

To this day, I still have difficulties getting my head around how things played out. There are days when I can look at what I have achieved since my diagnosis ten years ago, and know that without these experiences, I wouldn’t have these accomplishments, then I reconcile, then I go back to that place again.

The neglect looks and smells familiar, but I still need to find a place for it. I still find myself asking the question, how do you really get over these experiences?

23 Apr, 2019

2 thoughts on “A lifetime of disbelief

  1. What a very good question. I wasted most of my life trying to ‘get over it’ when it caused me to make so many stupid decisions that I wouldn’t have made, if I hadn’t been brainwashed into being a people pleaser.

    Seriously, how is it that people think we can just get over it, when they can’t even comprehend how horrible it was? I find myself getting angry because I wanted to be a great dad and a good person, but nobody showed me how.

    It would have been nice if both of us had the chance to do more than we did, had we been allowed to. I’m finding it very difficult to not be angry under the circumstances, but I am only human, after all.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, you’re right, but you mustn’t be too hard on yourself. Your experiences weren’t your fault.

      What’s important is what you do now and how you make a difference now. Make the changes you need to make. It is up to the people that matter to understand you, as they would want you to understand them.

      We cannot change the past, we can only change how we react and how we do things and deal with things from here.

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