I am beginning to reflect a little, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I know I still need to bring closure on how I got to this place with Cerebral Palsy.
Given the fact that I will soon no longer be able to address this topic with my father, I think given the circumstances, the time has probably come when I have no choice but to walk away, but I’m not giving up. On some level, he already knows how I feel, because the topic came up nearly four years ago, when I had just got my diagnosis.
I didn’t resolve anything then, but remember having a conversation with my therapist years previously, because I was struggling then. We talked about why parents choose not to deal with certain issues, pertaining to my physical disability; even though they should have been protecting me. I didn’t agree with her suggestion.
Of course, it doesn’t make years of ignoring the problem go away, that is very real and still is, but it does go some way for me to understand why. I know my father didn’t want to know, that much is true, but being a parent myself, it wouldn’t be something I would wittingly choose to have put my own children through.
Being a parent isn’t the easiest job in the world and when we become one it’s easy to see why we’re out of our comfort zone. That coupled with a new experience of having a child with Cerebral Palsy, must have made things difficult for them. I get that, but there is no excuse. If having children means we must run with all eventualities, that is what they should have done. To ignore my emotionally, not to deal with my struggles around my emotional and physical disability was wrong.
Although I know time is running out on this one, I know that potentially I must be prepared to let this one go. But until the end, I shall never give up.