A parent’s job

My job as a parent has always been to get past my own insecurities, but I can’t vouch for my children picking up on other people’s insecurities.

As a child, I struggled with the fact that I didn’t have the support or the guidance to help me through my physical and emotional difficulties, but I was determined to make sure history didn’t repeat itself, with me being instrumental in my own children’s insecurities and I believe I have achieved that.

I was lucky enough to understand that although I continued to struggle emotionally, I knew my insecurities weren’t about me. My insecurities were simply other people’s issues of me, of my disability. Even though I may have failed at many things, I choose not to own those things, because those things weren’t of my own doing. They were as consequence of my difficulties and others’ decisions.

As parents, we don’t want our children to have to go through what we went through. That their lives will be different, easier for them. It stands to reason, therefore that the more positive input we give our children, the less insecurities they will have, the easier their lives will be.

Unfortunately, we can’t always protect them from other people’s insecurities or behaviour, particularly family because that’s where our stories begin, but as parents we can point out the pitfalls as we go, in the hope that our children get to see what we see and adjust their lives accordingly.

11 Feb, 2017

4 thoughts on “A parent’s job

  1. A parents job is to draw a line under the crap they might have endured and to ensure it stops with them and they do not screw their children up.

    All a parent should want is to bring up happy, confident, respectful and balanced children without all the insecurities and issues of their parents.

    1. This is absolutely true and is what we must do. I find it sad that parents aren’t fully prepared to make these changes to help their children.

      It’s a sad indictment of where we are in the world I feel. We parent as we have been parented and that includes our cultures. Nothing changes until we change it. We just go on to repeat our parents’ patterns.

      It’s back to basics on this one.

  2. I was actually just thinking about this not even 5 minutes ago, about how I didn’t do a very good job with my own daughter. I had so wished to do things differently with my own children, but in not addressing my own demons, I became so much worse than I thought I could ever be.

    There were parts of myself that I just didn’t want to deal with. My parents made us feel guilty for taking care of ourselves whether they intended to or not, and we were supposed to focus on their needs. We were always hearing about the fact that the only reason my dad was with my mother was to avoid us being put into foster care.

    The reality was even though we may have been separated, we would have probably been a lot better off. They made us feel guilty for even existing, so I don’t know why they even bothered having us.

    With my own daughter, I started off being a great Dad and she was definitely a daddy’s girl, which I think her mother was jealous of. She had been molested by her brothers, so she was always watching me with her, as if I would have ever done anything like that to my own daughter.

    Fast forward 25 years or so and my daughter has lived a very sheltered life, never really being pushed to do anything that she could still do, even with her Cerebral Palsy. I just feel so bad for her, considering she’s almost 27 and doesn’t have any friends, or much of a life when she lives in such a beautiful state.

    I have been trying to push her to get out and do things, while forgetting that I haven’t been doing it myself, due to issues I have, which she seems to have too. What I will have to do is lead by example, since we do live so far apart.

    I can only hope and pray that she will finally find a way to start enjoying her own life rather than just existing.

    1. Thanks Randy. It’s a sad tale you tell, but as you say, as parents we lead by example so children will hopefully want to follow our example.

      Any form of abuse unless we get help can leave the victim paranoid, which explains your wife’s actions. It’s not always easy having a relationship with children who are no longer living near or at home, but with social media keeping in touch is so much easier.

      Perhaps it’s time now to change what’s past for both of you and allow yourselves to work and build on your relationship.

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