Mourning isn’t just something we do when we lose a loved one. Mourning is also for something that happens to us, something that we need to come to understand. It’s for something we need to work through, for us to come to terms with, or something we need to accept, whichever comes first.
There were days, particularly in the early days when I first acquired a diagnosis on my disability, when what was done to me felt heavy. I needed time to mourn for the emotional loss and support I didn’t have growing up, around a disability I didn’t know I had. I also needed to know about my presenting symptoms, particularly around my neurological difficulties.
I needed to consciously acknowledge my emotions around my father’s last comments when I asked him why he didn’t tell me about my diagnosis when I first found out about cerebral palsy and for my subconscious to change its thinking on my experiences. I also needed my conscious to find and accept his subconscious reasoning in allowing my life and experiences to happen.
Sewing a seed, telling the universe about how heavy this feels, has taken the edge off on how I feel. It has been 8 years since I started The CP Diary, blogging about my feelings around my diagnosis, and for the first time it feels as though I am coming through the other end.
My writing, exploring my thoughts and feelings around my late diagnosis has allowed water to pass under the bridge. I know it’s not something I could have ever changed or can change now, but I have come to understand. Things feel lighter today.