No one’s childhood is perfect. I am sure when we all look back there will be something we weren’t happy with, or would like to have changed.
Having lived in an emotional vacuum for some 46 years, it’s something I’m finding difficult to come to terms with. Out of all my issues, this is the most difficult one to come to terms with. Until I learn everything there is to know about my disability, I am missing out on understanding all my symptoms and how they relate to a disability I knew nothing about.
Then there’s 46 years of having to adapt into a life that didn’t allow me to live alongside a disability I should have known about. Having the support around my disability and neurological difficulties would have allowed me to work through and understand my struggles. I may have got help with school, instead of feeling I’d failed, and feeling isolated.
Growing up, I constantly lived in the dark. Not knowing anything about my disability, about me, how to manage me, how to manage my life, and what made me, me. Out of everything I’ve had to deal with, those issues were always the hardest.
I have had to come to terms with many things, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to come to terms with the enormity of not knowing I had cerebral palsy, how I presented, or what my neurological symptoms meant. Although childhood emotional neglect is what an emotional vacuum is, it hasn’t stopped me from wanting to find out.
I could quite easily have given up. That thought did cross my mind on occasion. The emotional vacuum that was my life was in place for many years. It was my mum’s terminal illness that opened the door to a new thinking on my disability. My life would then be changed forever, in the form of a diagnosis and The CP Diary.