No one’s childhood is perfect. When we look back there’s always something we weren’t happy with or would look to change.
But no one should have to endure or live for 46 years in an emotional vacuum. Out of all my experiences, this is the biggest issue I’m finding difficult to come to terms with. I’m missing out on understanding all my symptoms around a disability I knew nothing about.
Then there’s 46 years of having to adapt into a life that didn’t allow me to live alongside a disability I should have known about. Having the support around cerebral palsy would have allowed me to work through and understand my neurological issues.
I may have also got help with school, without feeling I’d failed or without feeling isolated. Growing up I constantly lived in an emotional vacuum knowing nothing about my disability, about how to manage my life, about myself, what made me, me. Out of everything I’ve had to deal with, it’s the one thing I go back to.
I have come to terms with many things, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to come to terms with the enormity of what I see as an injustice. Although childhood emotional neglect is what an emotional vacuum is, I am so lucky it didn’t stop me from wanting to find out.
Truth be known I could quite easily have given up. The emotional vacuum that was my life, would be in place for many years until an opportunity arose in the shape of my mum’s terminal illness that allowed me to open that door and find out.
My life would then be changed forever in the form of a diagnosis and The CP Diary.