Asperger’s and me

Another personal back to back. Having grown up with fear and anxiety issues and having been diagnosed in January 2019 with Asperger’s I now understand why I have Asperger’s and how my Asperger’s works.

It’s made worse because I have brain damage and my emotions are impaired. As I write I continue to look back at my childhood experiences,  and still feel irritated that I was left to deal with anxiety, fear and bad thoughts: to fumble my way through aimlessly in the dark on my own.

The problem with my Asperger’s is that if I have a worry the only way the worry can be replaced is if the circumstances around the worry changes and it no longer is a worry, or something physically removes or replaces it.

Having impaired emotions as a child meant my mind could never shift from worry (which was always accompanied with bad thoughts). Chaos always ensued as those bad thoughts shifted in my direction and on to others.

The fact that my anxiety was known about and ignored didn’t bode well either. I am not sure how I managed to get through those years. Eventually I became resigned, but still understand why.

No matter what we go through as a parent and we all will have our own issues to bear, that was for our parents to help us deal with. It is our job as parents to help our children deal with their issues so that they achieve and work to their full potential.

I am in no doubt that my Asperger’s is easier because I am able to write and get my thoughts out there. I am able to work out what is what. Without my heightened senses I couldn’t do what I do. But I didn’t think I’d have to go through hell to achieve it, there is no excuse for that.

Through necessity, me and my Asperger’s have become a team. I just have to find a way to deal with worry and bad thoughts based around my Asperger’s.

9 May, 2019

6 thoughts on “Asperger’s and me

  1. There is no excuse for the hell we had to go through as children, at least in my mind. I get so annoyed when people say things like they did the best they could with what they had, which is such a load of crap to me.

    Knowing is half the battle but it still doesn’t always help when we look back on what we went through. People act all horrified if you happen to speak badly about your parents, but they didn’t have to survive the things we did so they never will get it.

    All I ever wanted from them was an admission that they had done us wrong as kids, since I knew I would never get an apology, but to the end they blamed each other.

    It would have been nice for both of us, if we would have had parents who would have supported us like most other parents.

    1. You’re absolutely right Randy. Those were my experiences too. But others will always have an opinion. They will also never have a bad word said, even thought they may know very little about a child’s experiences.

      That’s fine. They can pass their opinion, say what they think but that doesn’t represent the truth, just their opinion.

      What’s important is what you know. We cannot turn back the clock. In my case I must find an acceptance on a disability I didn’t know I had.

  2. I find it problematic that no one taught you how to cope and survive Cerebral Palsy and your environment in your adolescent years. People just seemed distant from the excruciating you were experiencing.

    But you should know that your life was already written as a powerful story of triumph and on your own terms.

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, it took me until my 40’s and a diagnosis to understand my life story. Before that I was already resigning myself to the fact that I may never know.

      I find it a problem, also. That part of my life is not something I will ever get over. It’s etched on my soul, although I choose not to let it hurt me. When anything is wilfully, nothing can replace that hurt.

      It was clearly meant to be a secret, never to be questioned or aired. What they didn’t bargain for was that I was determined to find out.

  3. No one should be left in the dark, not knowing how and why others behave the way they do. It is incomprehensible that anyone would choose to do that to a child, so it’s not surprising that you feel the way you do.

    Your path was chosen for a reason and not many would be able to walk your journey.

    1. Thanks. All of our experiences are etched on our souls. It’s the nature of how our souls work.

      I’m pleased this is my journey now. Not the way I would have wanted it to happen if I was given the choice.

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