Being protected

When we find out we have something, but have never known I believe we are sometimes protected. We don’t worry about it or think about it. Life carries on. Ignorance is bliss as they say. It’s only when we come to understand what we have been dealing with for all those years that we are no longer protected.

The last Consultant I went to see about my Cerebral Palsy was when I was 25. At the time I started The CP Diary, I was looking through some paperwork and I came across a letter from a consultation my father had taken me to, where it was confirmed that I had mild Scoliosis due to the difference in leg length from Cerebral Palsy.

I wasn’t fully made aware of the conversation that day, because my father conducted the conversation and it didn’t include me. Nothing was discussed when we left. Had the conversation include me I would have understood the diagnosis.

It would go on to take me many years to realise that I had been officially diagnosed with Scoliosis during the consultation. To this day, I am still coming to terms with the fact that I had been diagnosed all those years ago, never really knowing. Not knowing has protected me over the years, until now.

1 Jul, 2015

6 thoughts on “Being protected

  1. I think knowing the truth is better than living in the dark. Knowing or being protected from the truth, is not easy either way.

    But at least knowing what you have, you are able to understand why you are struggling physically.

    1. Thanks Maria. I think you’re absolutely right, but I suppose we all need time to come to terms with and get a grip emotionally and what we deal with.

      Everything I know now, I didn’t know as a child, so it’s taken me longer to come to terms with everything and still have my struggle days, because I came to know too late.

      Sometimes it depends on what we’re in the dark with, but dealing with anything is part of life, so I think we generally need to know, unless we opt out in knowing.

  2. Forgive me if I’m speaking out of line, but I think your father’s silence about your scoliosis was probably out of an abundance of care at a time of being distraught. He probably languished in not knowing how to communicate something he didn’t want to believe himself.

    Ilana, I also believe you were protected all those years and your father was probably held captive by the uncertainties of his decisions.

    1. You’re really not speaking out of line. I’m happy for you to comment. I value your opinion, thank you. You make a valid point and I agree with you.

      I think my father didn’t want to believe something he knew he couldn’t deal with. I would later have to come to terms with and deal with both my CP and scoliosis on my own.

  3. Sounds more like they were protecting themselves, like having CP was something to be ashamed of! I just can’t understand that mindset, but it would be more of a cultural difference, I imagine.

    Things have changed quite a bit since the time when we were young, so it doesn’t have so much of a stigma I would hope. My parents probably would have done the same thing to try to pretend like it wasn’t an issue so they wouldn’t have to deal with it.

    They ignored so much when we were kids and we would have been royally screwed if there had been any serious issues. We weren’t protected from anything, so I don’t know which is worse at times!

    They kept you sheltered from the truth, but also never allowed you to be able to address your issues. My daughter has been treated in pretty much the same way, which keeps her safe, but doesn’t allow to have any life experiences, good or bad.

    It makes it so very hard for me to relate to her at times, because she can’t comprehend what I have been through. She may actually need me to take her by the hand literally, so that she can go out into the world safely. I do want to protect her, but I don’t want her to miss out on what life has to offer.

    Tough choices!

    1. You’ve hit the nail on the head Randy. Thank you. I think your daughter and I have so much in common, not only with the CP thing, but also how others have handled what we deal with.

      It must be difficult for you because there is so much you would change, but can’t right now because of circumstances; but circumstances do change and I’m sure you will get to turn things around at some point. It would go on to take me a lot of years to change my own circumstances. But it’s always a question of timing.

      And you’re right, there was and still is to a certain degree a lot of stigma out there that stops people from helping those who deal with a disability and need support.

      I hope that it’s not too long before things change for you and your daughter.

      It will be lovely for your daughter to have her own experiences and for her to still feel protected. We all need a little bit of that.

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