Beyond the blame

The cycle may continue into adulthood, but how many of us will continue to blame our parents for the way we turn out?

I can see why some parents get blamed, but how long can we continue to blame our parents for our misgivings, without taking back some form of control back for ourselves? Many of us will have been hurt emotionally and psychologically, and in some cases physically too, and that’s totally unacceptable.

But to blame and still live your life through your parents and not your own, to emulate certain aspects of your upbringing, is to deny yourself the chance to leave your past behind and be at peace. The more we blame our parents, the more we will continue to be in denial. Living in denial, not choosing to take back responsibility, will only serve to hurt us more.

Even though we may have reasons to blame our parents, it must be more beneficial for us to move on. As adults, our life stops being about our parents and must start to be about us, therefore we shouldn’t continue to blame and make our life about them.

The problem with not letting go is that over time we begin to lose our sense of reason, hope and optimism, and that destroys any potential we have. When we are able to look at ourselves and let go of the anger and resentment and begin to rebuild our life, we will have understood how to live.

We are never fully prepared for parenthood. I believe that if any parent could have done it better, they would have. None of us goes to school to learn how to be a parent, but we must always do and give of our best. We must use our experiences, as a stepping-stone so that we get to change our lives. When our children become adults, would we really want them blaming us?

20 Jun, 2012

8 thoughts on “Beyond the blame

  1. I never had a balanced view of my Dad, I either worshipped or despised him.

    There were lots of good times and some awful times. The positive and the negative waged war with each other and one side always had the upper hand. When he died I glamourised him and buried the bad memories. When I wrote the book and dug up the bad memories I found myself grieving for the Dad I had rather than the figure I had built up in my head.

    I went on a huge journey to get a balanced view of my Dad and as such I am in a much healthier place.

    Regarding the bad memories I believe in the words my father said to my mother ‘I did my best!’

    1. I understand you completely. I am glad you’ve gone through the various processes and are in a much healthier place. That needs to happen and is important in any healing process.

      Deep down over the years I got to really understood how both of my parents parented me, but would never make excuses for them or glamourise my relationship with either of them. I believe doing that helped me adapt and move on a lot quicker.

      When my mother died, although I do miss her and know she’s in a better place I didn’t go through the grieving process. My understanding of our relationship allowed me to move on without having sad feelings about how things turned out between us, therefore I didn’t need to grieve.

      I like you Stuart believe that our parents only ever believe they do their best. From my own experience now I can see that deep down they probably have, given their own set of tools.

  2. I understand my parents now but I often didn’t like where I was with my life as a child.

    Now I am a parent I would hope that my children will not blame me, but will also be more understanding. There have been a lot of external influences on my children, rarely positive ones and this has made it very difficult at times.

    Now I can see that, it has been easier to address. Whether my children will take the same view remains to be seen.

    1. I think that’s the whole thing with parenting. It’s only when children become parents themselves that they can see and understand why their parents did things the way they did.

      You are absolutely right in what you say, it remains to be seen whether children will take their parents’ view and understand that relationships are made up of external influences as well, so it’s not always easy for us to get things right.

      Outside influences are not always down to the parents, but in the longer term, it’s difficult to know what children believe.

  3. I was very protected growing up and so didn’t get to experience a lot of things until I rebelled against my parents, beginning at age 17. My parents didn’t know what to do with me after my diagnosis. They were in shock just as any normal parent would be so they just kept me covered, did what they had to do for me medically and treated me as normal as they thought they could.

    Of course the doctors had them convinced I was going to die a very early death. I would be basically an invalid by the time I was 18. But they were wrong on so many counts. I was stronger than my parents thought I was and still am.

    I loved my father so very much and miss him dearly. I love my mother more than I used to and our relationship has gotten stronger since I’ve gotten older and become a parent myself. But my mother still treats me like I can’t do a lot of stuff on my own and I just go my merry way and live my life the best I can. It’s easy for us to blame our parents.

    I believe my parents lived the ideal life. Things were very much easier and people were healthier in that time period. Parents had more control over their children and they got more respect then they do now. I think a lot of parents get a bad rap.

    1. It’s hard when our parents still treat us like we can’t do what we should be able to do for ourselves. From your response Lisa, it sounds like you’ve given up trying to work things through with your mom. She’s not changing, so you in effect have to change the way you perceive her.

      I know how that feels. In time perhaps but not now, you will work things through. Although things don’t get easier in one respect when we no longer have our parents around us, you will at least be able to manage your life better without feeling as though you’re not getting a fair trial.

      You have a right to live your life the way you want, regardless of your mother’s opinions. She should be treating you as the adult you are now and change the way she perceives you. In time you’ll get to live your life your own way.

  4. I’ve been trying to get beyond blaming my parents for all my troubles since it was really me who made the bad choices in my life. I have just been wanting to be able to move on from basing my life on what damage was done to me by my parents.

    It has been very difficult for me to do, but I was able to forgive my mother before she passed and I have to do the same with my father before it’s too late. They were only human after all and after what I have experienced in my life, I have come to understand how truly difficult it can be just to be human!

    1. It is difficult being human sometimes! The choices we sometimes make are based on our parents’ behavior towards us. It doesn’t make what we do right, but it goes some way to help us rational our experiences.

      I am sure it must have been hard for you to forgive your mother before she passed, but you managed and that’s great. I am sure you will be able to do the same with your father.

      Just be okay with the choices you made Randy. Sometimes the choices we make, whether they’re right or wrong make us wiser, more confident individuals. I say confident because we’ll be confident enough to know that we have no intentions of repeating those experiences!

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