Beyond the blame

As adults, how many of us blame our parents for the way we’ve turned out? Funnily enough, I never blamed my parents, instead I chose to find understanding on my disability.

But it’s obvious why we may point the finger and in some cases it’s justified, but how long can we continue to blame our parents for our misgivings without taking back some form of control for ourselves?

Like my situation, many of us may have been hurt, emotionally and psychologically and that isn’t acceptable, but continue to blame our parents is to deny ourselves the chance to leave our past behind and be at peace.

The more we blame, the more we live in denial and living in denial, not choosing to take responsibility back, may hurt us more. And even though we may have reason to blame, it would be more beneficial for us to move on.

As adults, it is important our lives are about us. Not letting go, means we will begin to lose our sense of reason, our sense of hope, our sense of optimism, and that will destroy any future potential we have.

It is important to let go of anger and resentment. When we can begin to understand ourselves and our experiences more, we can begin to rebuild our lives. As I have done, we need to use our own experiences as a stepping-stone, so that we change our children’s lives too and our relationship with them.

After all, when our children become adults, would we want them blaming us for their misgivings?

20 Jun, 2012

8 thoughts on “Beyond the blame

  1. I never had a balanced view of my Dad, I either worshipped or despised him.

    There were lots of good times and some awful times. The positive and the negative waged war with each other and one side always had the upper hand. When he died I glamourised him and buried the bad memories. When I wrote the book and dug up the bad memories I found myself grieving for the Dad I had rather than the figure I had built up in my head.

    I went on a huge journey to get a balanced view of my Dad and as such I am in a much healthier place.

    Regarding the bad memories I believe in the words my father said to my mother ‘I did my best!’

    1. I understand you completely. I am glad you’ve gone through the various processes and are in a much healthier place. That needs to happen and is important in any healing process.

      Deep down over the years I got to really understood how both of my parents parented me, but would never make excuses for them or glamourise my relationship with either of them. I believe doing that helped me adapt and move on a lot quicker.

      When my mother died, although I do miss her and know she’s in a better place I didn’t go through the grieving process. My understanding of our relationship allowed me to move on without having sad feelings about how things turned out between us, therefore I didn’t need to grieve.

      I like you Stuart believe that our parents only ever believe they do their best. From my own experience now I can see that deep down they probably have, given their own set of tools.

  2. I understand my parents now but I often didn’t like where I was with my life as a child.

    Now I am a parent I would hope that my children will not blame me, but will also be more understanding. There have been a lot of external influences on my children, rarely positive ones and this has made it very difficult at times.

    Now I can see that, it has been easier to address. Whether my children will take the same view remains to be seen.

    1. I think that’s the whole thing with parenting. It’s only when children become parents themselves that they can see and understand why their parents did things the way they did.

      You are absolutely right in what you say, it remains to be seen whether children will take their parents’ view and understand that relationships are made up of external influences as well, so it’s not always easy for us to get things right.

      Outside influences are not always down to the parents, but in the longer term, it’s difficult to know what children believe.

  3. I was very protected growing up and so didn’t get to experience a lot of things until I rebelled against my parents, beginning at age 17. My parents didn’t know what to do with me after my diagnosis. They were in shock just as any normal parent would be so they just kept me covered, did what they had to do for me medically and treated me as normal as they thought they could.

    Of course the doctors had them convinced I was going to die a very early death. I would be basically an invalid by the time I was 18. But they were wrong on so many counts. I was stronger than my parents thought I was and still am.

    I loved my father so very much and miss him dearly. I love my mother more than I used to and our relationship has gotten stronger since I’ve gotten older and become a parent myself. But my mother still treats me like I can’t do a lot of stuff on my own and I just go my merry way and live my life the best I can. It’s easy for us to blame our parents.

    I believe my parents lived the ideal life. Things were very much easier and people were healthier in that time period. Parents had more control over their children and they got more respect then they do now. I think a lot of parents get a bad rap.

    1. It’s hard when our parents still treat us like we can’t do what we should be able to do for ourselves. From your response Lisa, it sounds like you’ve given up trying to work things through with your mom. She’s not changing, so you in effect have to change the way you perceive her.

      I know how that feels. In time perhaps but not now, you will work things through. Although things don’t get easier in one respect when we no longer have our parents around us, you will at least be able to manage your life better without feeling as though you’re not getting a fair trial.

      You have a right to live your life the way you want, regardless of your mother’s opinions. She should be treating you as the adult you are now and change the way she perceives you. In time you’ll get to live your life your own way.

  4. I’ve been trying to get beyond blaming my parents for all my troubles since it was really me who made the bad choices in my life. I have just been wanting to be able to move on from basing my life on what damage was done to me by my parents.

    It has been very difficult for me to do, but I was able to forgive my mother before she passed and I have to do the same with my father before it’s too late. They were only human after all and after what I have experienced in my life, I have come to understand how truly difficult it can be just to be human!

    1. It is difficult being human sometimes! The choices we sometimes make are based on our parents’ behavior towards us. It doesn’t make what we do right, but it goes some way to help us rational our experiences.

      I am sure it must have been hard for you to forgive your mother before she passed, but you managed and that’s great. I am sure you will be able to do the same with your father.

      Just be okay with the choices you made Randy. Sometimes the choices we make, whether they’re right or wrong make us wiser, more confident individuals. I say confident because we’ll be confident enough to know that we have no intentions of repeating those experiences!

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