Coming through abuse

There are still times when I can’t quite believe that neglect and abuse has been my life, and then it hits me that this was the way it was. But then I tell myself that without this life, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing with my diary and I temporarily reconcile.

No one just gets over neglect or abuse, it’s something we must continually work on, but it is up to us to change how we let abuse in. Experiences become lessons, but this is one lesson that we will never want to be exposed to again. For the healing process to work, we must put physical and emotional distance between us and the perpetrator.

Recognising neglect or abuse is one step forward towards healing. But having to constantly defend ourselves in those circumstances, or having to be on our guard, means we’re tied to unhealthy patterns, which continue to stay part of us.

To recognise that we’re not to blame is very much a mental health step forward. Abuse is never about us. To understand that we have the power to change how we think, how we feel, and act is also another step forward on the road to recovery. We must accept that the abuse happened, deal with the feelings of abuse and choose to move on.

Lamenting the past and blaming ourselves for not being able to change other people’s pattern of abuse is not only unhelpful but damaging too, because if we could change our experiences of abuse, we wouldn’t be who we are through those experiences.

To tell ourselves otherwise is doing our integrity an injustice. We’re much more intelligent than that.


24 Jul, 2017

4 thoughts on “Coming through abuse

  1. As a child I don’t think I was abused in any form. If anything I was spoiled. As an adult, I did suffer abuse via my first husband. Both physical and verbal (more so). I always tried to fix it and there were promises things would change, which of course would never happen. I finally wised up and left.

    In my career I have known children that have been abused and I’ve seen the consequences of the said abuse. Children don’t understand and think it’s their fault and of course the abuser insinuates that it is their fault.

    Sometimes when they get older they recognize the difference and change the pattern but a lot of times it continues. It is a very sad situation and reality.

    1. Thanks Lisa. I feel for you. You shouldn’t have had to have gone through your experiences and I’m pleased you finally found the courage to leave.

      All forms of Abuse should be stopped. There is no place for any of it, in today’s society. Sadly, it’s all become too common place, including a bad attitude. Sadly, that’s the most common form of abuse.

  2. Yes, the cycle of neglect and abuse in my childhood was pretty obvious to us. I put the neglect first seeing as that was what happened to us most of the time, until we had something my parents wanted and then they noticed that we existed.

    The abuse came when we didn’t give them what they wanted, like enough attention for my mother or our birthday money for my dad. People seem to think that you can just get over it, but the ones who say that are usually people who haven’t been through it.

    My mother pretty much crucified me if I didn’t do her bidding and my dad just let it happen so I was never sure which one of them was worse. I would have much rather been physically abused since those scars heal and the pain goes away but the emotional ones never do.

    1. Sadly, Randy with physical abuse you still have emotional scars, but I understand your analogy. Neither are straightforward. I think both affect us, but differently.

      As you say we don’t just get over, we have to find a way to understand and accept that the abuse happened and then deal with the injustice.

      I understand you and I think you’re probably right; but we can never know for sure. Those who tend to think we can just get over it, perhaps haven’t been through what we’ve been through of if they have, perhaps they had a different way of coming through it.

      Those of us who are more horizontal seem to come through their experiences unscathed, or perhaps that’s a smokescreen and they haven’t.

      When the chips are down and anyone goes through hard times, I do think they are affected by abuse. It escapes no-one.

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