Coming to terms

Fifty-five years on knowing I have cerebral palsy and autism is a long way from where I started, with no diagnosis on either, and although they give me closure on my symptoms I have to come to terms with both.

To say I am relieved I can finally put a name to my symptoms is an understatement, the journey has been tough. Knowing brings about understanding where I had none, but other people’s communication and opinions that I’ve had to deal with, are what I’ve struggled with the most.

Even with a diagnosis you’re not always going to have co-operation, but having to continually work through my emotional struggles on my own, in my school years, was all the more difficult.  Going back into school every day, continually being ridiculed because I wasn’t making headway and being made an example of highlighted my struggles even further.

Going into exams with little to no substance on my revision notes was difficult. Having been let down by the system through school, then the NHS and with no emotional support, I continued to struggle over the years. It exonerates me from any blame and guilt, but it doesn’t get others off the hook.

In another personal blog, I will go into detail on my understanding of my autism symptoms from my consultation. I am, however left with one question, regardless of how it happened, how can others have let this happen?

14 Feb, 2019

4 thoughts on “Coming to terms

  1. Yes, one of the hardest parts is trying to come to terms with everything that happened during your life and mine.

    It’s exactly what I was thinking when I questioned why it was that neither side of our family ever really stepped in to save us from the hell that we went through as kids.

    The only excuse I heard recently from one of my uncle’s, was that a lot of times they didn’t even know where we were, which may have been true but doesn’t change the facts that nobody tried to save us, even when we were around.

    What really hurts the most out of everything is that we didn’t seem worth the effort for them to help us. I also can’t comprehend any parent seeing what was happening and not try to do something to save their child from the neglect and abuse.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, following a journey of discovery and finding out about myself in the way I have, has helped me come to terms with a lot from my past.

      But I’m with you Randy. It is difficult to comprehend why any parent wouldn’t want to do their best. But it’s too negative to continue to think like that. It’s important we move on from the whys or if only.

      I did ask my father about a year before he passed why he didn’t tell me about my disability and I didn’t get the best of response. Honestly, the response I got could have set me back, but I chose to ignore it. As parents, it’s important we do and give of our best, no matter our own childhood or upbringing.

      Yes, it’s obvious to me Randy, the reason why you weren’t at home much. It’s such a shame your uncle didn’t understand why. If he had have understood your reasoning, he would have understood you.

      Just imagine how much better your relationship would have been.

  2. You’ve come to terms by treating yourself to the facts, while your heart was in the middle of healing, an insane level of healing.

    Of course, coming to terms doesn’t mean that you dismiss or forget negligence, the universe won’t either.

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, the facts of anyone’s life doesn’t change no matter how many times it’s ignored, by those who should support and protect.

      It is with your recognition of my truth that allows me to understand that ‘my story’ was never about me, but about others.

      You’re right, when anyone experiences negligence in this way, it’s not something they or the universe will dismiss or forget, but it’s something that can make you stronger, when you understand the ‘neglect was never about you.’

      It was my spiritual beliefs all along that gave me the strength to keep my heart kind, so that I didn’t become bitter. Outwardly I was angry at the many injustices, but inwardly I was always very kind.

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