Things are never easy for the one who is terminally ill, or the family dealing with their loved one being terminally ill as my situation has shown. I’m tired and although I am mentally okay with what’s happening, keeping up with it all can be even more tiring.
It’s important to spend as much time with someone who is terminally ill, but I have chosen to focus on both because that’s important too. It would be easy for me to spend every waking moment in the hospital, but my family and I are choosing not to do that. We’re doing other things so that we get to spend time with each other and have some ‘me time.’
Our physical health is just as important as our emotional health and so we’re concentrating on both. This time around with my father, everything seems different. I don’t seem hung up on feeling guilty about not seeing him all the time. I’m also not panicked about what will happen either, or what I’ll do if the worst should happen.
Although my father seemed ready for the inevitable, he’s changed his mind now from wanting to end his life in the local hospice, to wanting treatment. I know he still knows that his long-term prognosis isn’t good, but he’s decided he wants more control over what happens to him.
I think the not knowing, the waiting, the coming and going and is making me more tired. It’s the uncertainty of the outcome and watching my father struggle that is adding to how I feel. Give me an issue to deal with and I’ll work something out. Give me uncertainty and I’ll go round the block a few times. I don’t work that way.
I’m eating, sleeping okay and don’t feel stressed about it and as I wait for more news from the hospital, I’m relaxed about the next step.