My personal thoughts on my disability are never far away and is the reason I’m putting out another personal blog today.
The anxiety I deal with is centred around autism and is another issue I didn’t know I had. It’s something I’m going to have to deal with and manage for the rest of my natural life. It was also something I was going to have to learn for myself. That much was made clear.
What gets me is that as parents, it’s our job to help our children; our children’s worries should be our worries. As parents regardless of our own issues, it’s important we carry our children’s issues and worries, rather than expecting our children to carry their issues and worries for themselves. The irony is that worries turn into issues if they’re not dealt with.
When I look back I can see all of my struggles including my disability and can’t quite get to grips with the enormity of being left to sort those out for myself. I also have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my bad thoughts could have been made easier had that have been taken on board, or why I could never escape bad thoughts.
Getting the neurological and psychological help as a child will have paved may way into a less fractious life. With the help I would have had the right tools in place for me to deal with my anxieties and school. I remember my struggles as if they were yesterday. Knowing what I know now about having ASD simply ticks another box.
Put me in a group conversation with four people and I’ll grasp one of those conversations. Put me in a class of 37 children which is what it was and I’ll grasp and learn nothing. Everyone knew about my struggles that’s where the story ends. But those were my realities. It would also explain why I was discharged at 15 from the hospital, my doctors citing ‘there’s nothing more they can do.’
I reconcile, by telling myself my website exists because of my life that I couldn’t write without my experiences. My experiences tell my story, through an unfiltered lens and as bizarre as my story is, it needed to be told.