The CP Diary continues to give me a platform for my experiences, my life including my Cerebral Palsy symptoms, in no specific order.
I am writing this blog so that I can finally come to understand some of the idiosyncrasies that make up who I am and which stem from my particular brain damage. These quirks have been with me forever and are part of my DNA.
I was an odd kind of child. I wasn’t aware that all the things I struggled with had anything to do with sensory issues, but through self-analysis and years of ‘detective work,’ I have come to learn that is exactly what they were. As a child, I came across as being aloof, prim and proper, awkward, cold. Any adjective of not fitting into a family scenario easily, would best describe how my family saw me.
My family thought it was just how I was, never stopping to question the reasoning behind my behaviour. I spent a lot of my formative years living in my own world, trying to make sense of self. I had a problem with most things, including smells, loud music, noises, visual distortion, drinking from another person’s cup after they’d taken a sip.
I also have a problem with textures, things like scouring pads. Even saying the word, makes me cringe. Fabrics were also a problem. I had a problem with different fabrics, being touched and tickled. Through necessity, I also eventually learned how to use my intuition to help with my learning, but it would go on to take many years for that to happen.
Whilst my intuition plays its part in my mature and highly responsible behaviour, in many respects my thoughts and feelings continue to be immature and childlike. Throughout my life, my intuition would go on to become my guiding light. It’s something I have come to rely on daily.
It helps me focus; it helps me understand life; my life; my thoughts and feelings and allows me to make good judgments. Of course it doesn’t take away from other people’s judgments of me, based on what I deal with, but it does give me a clearer understanding on that score.
Unfortunately, my intuition didn’t kick in until later in life, by which time l had failed at many things. I was considered lazy. I’d start things and never finish them, but that was a Cerebral Palsy scenario, concentration thing. After years of honing, when I finally came to master my intuition, I slowly began to see and understand how I could change things.
My intuition continues to allow me to make sense of the world and the people who have played their part in it. It helps me find acceptance, where I once struggled and whilst I have an acceptance on most things now, others still find it difficult to understand me.
In my next blog, I will go on to outline my brain deficits pertaining to Cerebral Palsy in detail and will try to elaborate how I feel and their impact on my life.