The CP Diary continues to give me a platform. It is right that I am able to understand my disability around my brain damage.
I wasn’t aware my mental and emotional struggles had anything to do with a damaged brain or sensory issues, but through self-analysis I have come to learn that is what they are. As a child, I came across as prim and proper, but any adjective of not fitting into a family scenario easily, would best describe how my family saw me.
My family thought it was me, without stopping to question their own reasoning. I spent a lot of years living in my own world, trying to make sense of everything. I had a problem with most things, including smells, loud music, noises, visual distortions particularly seeing people decline with ill health.
I also had a problem with textures. Even saying the word Brillo pad, would make me cringe. Fabrics were a problem. I also had a problem with being touched and tickled.
Through necessity, I use my intuition and that has helped me with my learning, but it would go on to take many years for me to understand how intuition works. Whilst my intuition also plays its part in my maturity, in many respects my thoughts and feelings are immature and childlike.
My intuition is my guiding light. It is something I have come to rely on daily. It helps me focus, helps me to understand my life, my thoughts and feelings and it allows me to make sound judgments. It doesn’t take away other people’s judgments of me based on what I deal with, but it does help me understand their judgments.
As a child, I was considered lazy. I would start things and never finish them as I continued to be wrongly judged. That was down to autism. After years of learning how to hone my intuition, and finally coming to master it, I now understand how I can change things.
My intuition allows me to make sense of my world and the people in it. It helps me find acceptance, where I once struggled and whilst I have an acceptance on most things now, others still struggle to understand me.
In my next blog, I will try to elaborate how I feel about my brain damage and how my symptoms to my extensively damaged brain, impact my life.