It would go on to take many years for my father to say he was enormously proud of me, but when he did, it eventually came in the form of The CP Diary.
Although we had talked about the Diary, my writing and my college diplomas, I’m not sure whether he ever went on line to look at my website. He was proud of both and had even remarked that he would never have had the staying power to stick with either, had it been him.
I also know now that my father would have wanted to deal with my disability differently too. Throughout his life he struggled with imperfections, brought about through his own insecurities. In his life-time he never got past those and although it’s not an excuse, it’s an understanding.
Although this has all come too late for me, I believe that just because we don’t say the things we should, doesn’t mean those thoughts aren’t in there or we’re not thinking those things. They’re there, often just hidden, because we struggle to talk about those things.
This has become even more poignant for me now, because in a few days time, it’ll be 3 years since my father’s passing.