I was watching George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ documentary recently and it drew me straight away to my own set of circumstances and how I felt growing up without knowing about my physical or emotional disability.
In one part of the documentary George talks about how hiding his sexuality made him feel fraudulent. My not knowing about the condition until my mid 40’s made me feel the same way, that everything I did was a lie up the point of me finding out.
Without a diagnosis, everything I felt and everything I thought wasn’t me, it wasn’t how I would have chosen to live. That how you’re told to live not only has a knock effect on how you relate to yourself, but to others too and you just have to be okay with it. And it matters that you don’t know. It eats away at you. It makes you feel incomplete.
It was like a part of me was missing. It matters that you can’t be comfortable with yourself, or who you’re supposed to be. We must be true to ourselves, but we can’t be true to ourselves when we don’t know, or in George Michael’s case knowing and not being able to say.
It’s like being someone we’re not. For me, knowing for the first time meant I could fit one piece of the jigsaw. The other pieces will fit when I get to know everything about my symptoms.
My blog today is dedicated to George Michael.