Feeling a fraud

I was watching George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ documentary recently and it drew me straight away to my own set of circumstances and how I felt growing up without knowing about my physical or emotional disability.

In one part of the documentary George talks about how hiding his sexuality made him feel fraudulent. My not knowing about the condition until my mid 40’s made me feel the same way, that everything I did was a lie up the point of me finding out.

Without a diagnosis, everything I felt and everything I thought wasn’t me, it wasn’t how I would have chosen to live. That how you’re told to live not only has a knock effect on how you relate to yourself, but to others too and you just have to be okay with it. And it matters that you don’t know. It eats away at you. It makes you feel incomplete.

It was like a part of me was missing. It matters that you can’t be comfortable with yourself, or who you’re supposed to be. We must be true to ourselves, but we can’t be true to ourselves when we don’t know, or in George Michael’s case knowing and not being able to say.

It’s like being someone we’re not. For me, knowing for the first time meant I could fit one piece of the jigsaw. The other pieces will fit when I get to know everything about my symptoms.

My blog today is dedicated to George Michael.


26 Oct, 2017

4 thoughts on “Feeling a fraud

  1. I can understand that you might feel like this and especially that you feel that you didn’t live your own life, but you were unaware that you had Cerebral Palsy.

    Your life would have been so different if your parents did tell you, but in making the decision not to, they took all responsibility away from you and put it on themselves. So you have nothing to feel guilty or fraudulent about, unlike them.

    Since finding out about your Cerebral Palsy you have been true to yourself and in doing so, you have created this amazing forum where anyone can express their thoughts in a non-judgmental and community spirited place.

    For you it enables you to talk about piecing your life together while helping others. Had your parents have told you, I’m not sure you’d be doing this now. So I believe it was meant to be this way. RIP George.

    1. I think you’re right. I am ecstatic that I get to do this. It brings clarification and understanding to my life and helps me come to terms with my symptoms for the first time.

      Being a parent myself I find it hard to comprehend the enormity of what was done and although people think it was a sign of the times, in my case it sadly wasn’t.

      When I was born society clearly did things differently around disability and I get that, but my circumstances had nothing to do with it. I think we learn about our life very early and why things are as they are and with whom.

      I would certainly find it easier to come to terms with the time thing if that were the case. But there was a diagnosis at 2, so knowing it’s a case of not wanting to know makes it a harder pill to swallow.

      I continue to find it difficult to get my head around it and regardless of my insecurities I would never do that to a child.

  2. Nevertheless, you found yourself Ilana, even when the noise was deafening.

    And now, years later, you remind us that there’s light behind every filthy door and that there’s room on the bright side for us to sit.

    Powerful …

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, in all my dark days, I never allowed myself to unconsciously stop believing that a door would open.

      I believe doors do open that we must wait, but that we must also be instrumental in our understanding of how opportunities present themselves. To look for and seize the opportunities when they arise.

      The key is being mentally and visually ready. Because the opportunities take time to present and don’t stay for long, we must be ready.

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