Feelings of Dread

Through my disability including autism, every day difficulties are unpleasant. I fail to feel the highs when I achieve those; and am mentally and emotionally affected through autism, by the lows.

Being able to feel euphoric or elated about an achievement, would balance the lows, but not being able to feel in that way is worse, because I will never feel or have that euphoric moment, when I unconsciously know and can tell myself, I did it.

Whilst I have a life doing what I love to do through my writing, depending on what I have to deal with, it doesn’t always help me adjust. Working around a pandemic has highlighted my disability, my struggles have become even more evident in these times.

The feeling of dread is always there. The way I think doesn’t lend itself to a pandemic situation. Having to adjust with autism and get my head around the pandemic isn’t always manageable because I deal with autism.

There are days when I think I’m okay, then it hits again and I’m back with the overwhelming feelings of dread. Not having had the necessary tools to cope has never become more evident, as it has in these times.

2 Nov, 2020

2 thoughts on “Feelings of Dread

  1. I believe feelings of dread is more widespread than we think, considering all that we are dealing with today, it’s enough to clench your hands into fists. So your feelings are quite normal, Ilana.

    But reading The CP Diary and passing knowledge between us enlightens my life, there’s nothing at all dreadful about that.

    1. Thanks Tim. Your words are heartfelt. It’s nice to know these are not just my struggles.

      It’s in times like these I wish I could hibernate until things start to feel easier. Living with a disability isn’t easy, in the pandemic it’s near to impossible, it’s mentally draining because I deal with autism.

      Glad The CP Diary enlightens your life. It enlightens my life too. In a chaotic world, it’s my normal.

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