Feelings through words

Because of extensive damage to my cerebral cortex brought about through cerebral palsy and Autism, I don’t have the automatic ability to feel or respond to another person’s emotions or to feel another person’s emotional state as if their emotions were something I felt for myself.

I don’t have cognitive empathy and have never been able to feel, but through my words, I can empathise, use compassion, be tolerant and have understanding. My intuition is a big part of that. It allows me to understand where I fail to feel.

Coming to understand my disability and the difficulties I faced as a child, mentally, emotionally and physically is something I have continually had to fight for. Being able to put a name to my disability and work through my symptoms has been a turning point for me.

This is another of my truths. It is okay to right a wrong in an open, honest and transparent way without sensationalising our experiences, just to make what we’ve had to deal with sound better or to make us look good. Expressing the truth and being open about it, allows us to understand and come to terms with our experiences.

It is important that happens. We cannot anticipate or vouch for how others will see our truth, but the universe knows and will always want to pave the way for us to speak it.

2 May, 2019

4 thoughts on “Feelings through words

  1. I used to be able to empathize with people when I was a kid, but that eventually became distorted because of a mother who brainwashed me into feeling whatever it was that she wanted me to feel.

    I lost the ability to discern the difference between her feelings, other people’s feelings and my own. There also came a time when I had to dissociate from what I was feeling, since I didn’t know how to deal with such strong emotions.

    The only problem with that was that I was also cut off from most of my other feelings, so I haven’t felt much of anything very deeply in decades.

    People seem to think that it would be a great thing to not feel much of anything, but it really isn’t great to feel like a zombie most of the time.

    It would be fantastic if I could once again be able to feel my own feelings, rather than trying to experience the feelings through others like I was forced to do as a child.

    1. You can change this around Randy, I know you can. We disassociate to protect ourselves, but with your parents no longer around you, you can take control back for yourself.

      Moving on with your life although difficult is rewarding when you are able to make the changes you need to make.

      Where control and manipulation is continually used it is that little bit more difficult, but being able to disassociate is important in those times.

      Being in the right relationship should help you connect again. The unhappier we are the more we will continue to disassociate.

      But that very much depends on the reason why we do it. It’s not set in stone, it’s a pattern like most things, it’s just something new for us to re-learn.

  2. You feel in spite of, with the mellowness of a mother. Enough to make smiles curve on our lips in the gentle atmosphere of this site. You provide us with a fresh way to regard the world, Ilana.

    So your feelings come from more than just words, everyone knows that.

    1. Thank you… that’s kind. Your response has made my day, year and life Tim.

      My life with a disability I didn’t know I had has been one uphill battle. I’ve had to stand my corner and my ground just to be heard.

      I want to close by saying ‘thank you.’ I’m happy to leave this one with you.

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