Growing up with a determination

Had everything come together, and everyone done their job with my disability and learning difficulties, I would have been put into a special school, so my life would have been worse in that respect, but I still never grew up the way I wanted to.

Although ignoring a disability must never be something society ignores or condones, in my case growing up with no mental or emotional support, over the years I became more determined to find out about my disability, so in that sense things worked out, but I am still having to come to terms with the enormity of what happened. My experiences are difficult to shift.

How do you erase 58 years of trauma and struggle? Success doesn’t replace trauma and time span has everything to do with how well we heal. The longer we endure trauma and the more it is allowed to go on, the less likely we are to heal. Where time can be a great healer, it depends on the duration and the experiences.

My experiences still act as a reminder and coupled with painful memories, those are difficult to shift. If you have an apology, it becomes easier to reconcile and move on. With any wilful intent and no apology, it takes longer to come through the healing process, or worst-case scenario is we may never heal.

I’m in no doubt that with the understanding of how I got to this place and not feeling any better about it, means I am not healed; I merely have the understanding and that’s not the same thing.


16 Jun, 2021

6 thoughts on “Growing up with a determination

  1. No one should have had to have gone through your experiences, but you have shown us that we can heal, grow and change.

    You never erase those experiences, but the healing process is just a ‘process’ in which you accept your painful experiences and the negative emotions those experiences evoke.

    We are taking that journey with you, one step at a time.

    1. Thank you. Yes, although I find my experiences difficult to comprehend, it would be worse if I was capable of connecting with my words and my words brought my experiences to life.

      If you’ve seen Tony Curtis in ‘Some Like It Hot’ you will know what my first paragraph means. The cerebral cortex that deals with emotions is extensively damaged so I am unable to make the connections.

  2. It would have been great if our parents had done what they were supposed to do for both of us, but that didn’t happen.

    I’m sure that’s why I have a hard time relating to people with normal problems, like not being able to go to a certain college when they were young.

    I didn’t have the chance for any of those luxuries when I was a kid. They are whining about things like not being able to play sports because of the pandemic, which I find absolutely ridiculous.

    We had to worry about things like where our next meal was coming from as kids so I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for them. Maybe someday I will be able to think differently.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, it is never easy to comprehend why parents choose to ignore their children’s needs. As you know, it gets harder the longer it is allowed to go on for.

      Children innately rely on their parents to do what’s right and don’t stop to question. When we’re aware of what’s happening, that’s worse because we see the mistakes unfold.

      It is because my beliefs were so strong that I was able to remain stalwart in my determination to get through, to wait, to find out. Growing up, I continued to believe my time would come.

  3. Randy, your first sentence resonates with me, especially as I am a parent so direct comparisons are difficult to avoid.

    I am going through some parenting stuff at the moment and cannot believe where it has left me, and in particular one of my siblings. I have a long way to go to help him.

    1. Thanks. Yes, comparisons will always be made. How sad for your brother, but it’s good that your sibling is getting the help he needs and you’re the one who is instrumental.

      Having been through my own trauma around my disability, I can resonate. I am pleased you have taken the initiative for him.

      Good luck. I hope it goes well for both of you.

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