I didn’t know my life was a lie

I didn’t know my life was a lie. When I look back that is exactly what it was, but it did encourage me to work through my bad days. I wasn’t done.

Living a lie without knowing about my disability transformed me into the person everyone expected me to be. At the age of 46, I found out about my disability, later finding out that I had been diagnosed at the age of 2.

However hard it is for a parent to deal with their child with a disability, it’s even harder for the child. I was made to live a deceptive life, thinking I was normal, knowing I didn’t fit normal and then finding out later on that I wasn’t.

The deceit was based around a disability, continually being played out that I didn’t know I had. I was misunderstood, seen as lazy, stubborn and argumentative. Not knowing I had autism meant I was continually being labelled in and out of school.

Knowing something but knowing nothing went against the very heart of my identity and I wasn’t in a position to change that. Everything I tried to stand for I failed at. Trying to act and behave normally with a brain injury, was a lie. I wasn’t living the life I was supposed to live.

It was impossible at times. Growing up, I was expected to fall into line with a disability I knew nothing about. I was expected to fall into line.

11 Dec, 2019

2 thoughts on “I didn’t know my life was a lie

  1. Living a lie was exactly how I was raised, so I haven’t known anything different. I too think it’s worse when you know that something is seriously wrong, but everybody acts like nothing is wrong.

    People always treated me like I was so spoiled and lazy when in reality I was paralysed by my fears, doubts and insecurities to the point where I couldn’t function.

    My mother expected me to be her perfect little servant and my dad didn’t seem to really care, as long as she left him alone so it’s no wonder I was so extremely confused.

    Everybody expected me to act normally too, when in reality I know that I was anything but normal. It’s sad when parents go so far out of their way to make their own children suffer, because of their issues.

    1. Thanks Randy. We can resonate with each other. All we can do is work to change things for our own family.

      Generally, we must all work hard at changing things and not rely on our parents parenting, and their parents parenting them. Behaviour traits pass through the generations.

      Through lots of research into my childhood and the neglect around my disability, I now have the answers and although the initial reasoning doesn’t sit comfortably, I also know I couldn’t or wouldn’t be doing what I do, without my experiences.

      And although I will never condone such actions and it’s wrong, in my case, I see the positive side of these being my experiences.

      When we better ourselves and find the understanding, we change the way for a better future for our children and ourselves as part of that scenario.

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