In my naivety

When I didn’t know about my diagnosis as a little girl, I grew up thinking I’d feel better with a diagnosis, because then I would at least know what was wrong with me.

My being naive, I thought it would close that chapter of my life, but now piecing the truth together about how I got to this place has left me with more unease, not less. Knowing what I have now has closed that part of the chapter, but it has left me even more exposed and I didn’t see that coming.

Where a parent actively makes the decision not to tell their child what they have and that child desperately wants to know that sadly isn’t protecting that child. With every new day that passed, I was continually being exposed because the neurological symptoms to my disability were being ignored. Over the years having to live one way, and now having to find out things for myself has left me completely exposed.

I had to find out what my disability was and with help then work out my symptoms from there. But the biggest cost is knowing the reason why I was never told and that’s not something any child should have to hear. With no emotional support I was always going to get to this point of having to work everything out for myself, but realistically I also know I may never have got to find out.

When any child is made to deal with something on their own, it brings a different thought process from that child. I’m lucky because I’ve managed to work things out and have come through relatively emotionally unscathed because of my emotional and spiritual understanding.

5 Apr, 2018

2 thoughts on “In my naivety

  1. In your case, finding out that you had Cerebral Palsy was only the beginning to you understanding your life.

    It can’t have been easy to go through what you have, both before you knew and since; but it’s important that you found out to make sense of your life and that it what you are doing now.

    1. Right on both. My thinking made sense when I had those earlier thoughts, but perhaps that’s all I was capable of at that time.

      Although I know what I know and I’m not happy about it, I know I’m lucky to be doing what I do, so that makes me feel better. If I was to continue to hone in on what’s been done, I’d never be able to move on and I’m not prepared to let that happen.

      Emotionally I need to continue to stay strong so that I continue to do what I do. What I do has become my life.

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