Issues & Illness

I’ve always known how important it is for us to deal with our issues before we can no longer discuss this. In the last year dealing with my father’s terminal illness, has confirmed that.

If we don’t deal with our issues, those issues inevitably stay with us. It’s even harder when a loved one is terminally ill and we still have unresolved issues to resolve. To be honest it’s only when a loved one is faced with a terminal illness that we realise how many unresolved issues we’re dealing with that may never be resolved.

To leave unresolved issues because we’re afraid to say what they are, means we’ll continue to live with those issues many years after our loved ones have gone. Some of us may feel guilty, others may feel that it’s perhaps the wrong time to bring important issues up that need addressing, particularly if the issues we need to address are with our loved one who happen to be terminally ill.

Of course, it depends very much on the relationship. If we had the best of relationships in the first place I’m sure we’d have very little issues to address. I don’t believe we need to go in guns a blazing, but we should at least try to deal with any outstanding issues, before it’s too late. Dealing with a terminal illness is hard enough, but dealing with someone’s terminal illness whilst living with those issues is even harder, particularly if we don’t manage to bring closure.

In the past year given my own personal circumstances I have chosen to talk out the issues that we’re bothering me the most and haven’t looked back. Unfortunately, no one can change the fact that our loved ones get ill, but we can change the issues that are important enough for us to change, whilst they’re still around. We tend to live with an enormous amount of guilt when they’re gone because we didn’t get to say what we needed to say.

I won’t look back and feel remorseful that I didn’t say anything. I got myself to a place where I managed to talk out some of the things I needed to talk through.


4 Mar, 2013

6 thoughts on “Issues & Illness

  1. Great post. I totally agree with you.

    There are some issues I need to address with my mom but I never get a chance cause someone else is always around. It’s never just her and me right now. I’m thinking of making a card that says all the things I want to say but I really don’t want others to see it. It’s nothing bad.

    There are some other issues I should address with her but I’ve addressed them before and we always end up arguing and I don’t want to argue with her. She knows how I feel about things with my daughter and to some extent that satisfies me.

    I’m so glad you talked things out. I know you feel so much better about things. People need to address things before it’s to late. Don’t wait until the other person is on their death bed.

    1. Thanks Lisa. I’ve really nothing more to add! Your last sentence will resonate with many of us I’m sure. We must address issues before it’s too late.

  2. Thankfully with my mother we had a good relationship and at the end we did not have any unresolved issues.

    With my father however, there will likely be some things that I do not wish to address. This may change however if I get brave enough to say what I think before he passes. Only time will tell.

    I will deal with that when I feel it is necessary for me to do so. It is difficult. I know you have made peace. Good for you. Very brave.

    1. Thanks Randy. I think you’ll work it out as you go along. If it’s important enough for you, you’ll deal with whatever you need to say before your father passes.

      I felt it was important to address my own thoughts and I’m so pleased I did. It’s peace of mind if anything.

  3. You’re very lucky in that aspect since I didn’t have a chance to do that with my mother before she was lost due to her dementia!

    I can’t really do it with my father either since I think he’s really in his own little world now and doesn’t seem to comprehend things anymore.

    I’ve dealt with a lot of issues that have crippled me emotionally so that my life has been very chaotic to say the least. I have allowed others to control my life to the point that I haven’t had one since I was a teenager.

    There are times when I feel like I should be going through puberty rather than being at the age of having a mid-life crisis. It just irritates me to no end that I gave up on so much in my life due to my fears, doubts and insecurities.

    Now all I want to do is try to really grow up, so that I can at least try to help my daughter do better in her life, so she doesn’t end up wasting so much of it like I did!

    1. Randy, I’m not sure how much of this is down to you. We don’t consciously allow others to control our lives, usually we have no choice in the matter. That is my experience and from what you say is sounds like it’s your experience too!

      Perhaps you could write your father a letter and tell him how you feel about things. It’s not something you have to send to him, you could read the letter through then burn it. At one point I am sure I remember doing the same thing.

      Emotional growth is so important. When we’re held back emotionally because of the control element we don’t have a chance to grow, so I can understand your feelings now.

      I hope you sort your feelings out soon. You deserve it.

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