It was autism all along

It frustrates the hell out of me to know that it was autism all along, particularly because a diagnosis as a child will have made my life easier.

Questions were being asked by my consultants and ignored. Autism is the reason I failed in school. It is also the reason I carried guilt for 25 years, because academically I felt I’d let myself down. For years those same tapes kept playing in my head.

With an autism diagnosis officially confirmed I still have to deal with mental confusion and anxiety around the condition. What the diagnosis does is put all of my experiences into context to know now that my life’s experiences finally make sense. None of the abuse, neglect and trauma I endured had anything to do with me, or in any way was my fault.

It was important that I was able to tick the last box. The hard part is knowing that’s what I have, now age 55, but it’s made easier because it answers the questions to the neurological side of cerebral palsy that I didn’t have and needed to have.

It doesn’t take away the anger and frustrations of being told there was nothing wrong with me growing up and that I needed to get on with my life.

To know this is what it is is helpful, to know I can’t change how I got to this place is difficult, to know it was autism all along as a child, makes it even more incomprehensible that these are even my experiences.

But it’s the last piece of a 9 year very long extended jigsaw from my initial cerebral palsy diagnosis at the age of 46. I must find acceptance on it.


12 Jan, 2019

4 thoughts on “It was autism all along

  1. Yes, it would have been great if they had diagnosed your condition at an earlier age, when you would have been able to do more to deal with it.

    For me it would have been nice to know that I wasn’t really stupid, but just had mental health issues that needed to be addressed.

    I tried very hard not to be anything like my parents, but in the end I turned out to be just like them and so much worse, in my mind.

    I have been dealing with a mountain of guilt, shame and remorse, most of which wasn’t mine to begin with that has kept me paralyzed and afraid for most of my life.

    Only now am I gaining the strength to finally deal with all of that and move on with my life.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, my life would have been easier, particularly around school and college, knowing about autism.

      For any child with any form of mental health issue, it’s important their needs are dealt with. I never saw myself as stupid, I just knew I struggled. I can understand why you would have thought that.

      I promise you that you’re far from how you thought you were.

  2. This is some jigsaw you were handed! You have suspected a neurological condition and I am pleased your autism diagnosis has finally been confirmed. It lays to rest the guilt you have carried, which should have been placed at someone else’s door, not yours.

    I think I have said before that the universe had this plan for you for good reason, and you prove the universe right every day.

    1. Your response is kind. I’m perfectly happy to know. I needed to know.

      An autism diagnosis is worth its weight in gold. I can have closure now and yes, I’m not stupid, or mad. Just different.

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