A good friend of mine commented in one of his responses that my blogs helped him maintain a firm grip on life and although my blogs help me because they are based on my own thoughts and experiences and that helps bring about closure, it is slightly different for me.
I can design the puzzle, I can see the puzzle, I can even help others complete the puzzle, in the shape of my blogs, but sadly I can’t always complete it myself, because I have no control of joining up the dots because of my neurological impairments. This is why I had no understanding of my anxiety and bad thoughts growing up.
I simply couldn’t remove them. I was plagued with both for years. The only way I could get rid of them was keeping myself busy, but on a practical level that wasn’t possible. I tried desperately to think about other things but that never worked. Joining the dots wasn’t something I could do.
There was a little girl in school who was terminally ill and seeing her struggle, made me hold on to the emotional side of what she was struggling with. It became tiring, I became tired always having to compete with anxiety and that little voice talking back at me, saying unkind things about her.
Putting myself first and staying away from stress, negativity and negative situations, my mind is becoming a little more at ease. Staying away may not meet with other people’s approval, but I need to look after myself, my sanity and my health. I have to look after myself first.
Sadly, being pleasing to others meant they always came first. Now I need to put myself first, because I deal with anxiety. That in itself is distressing.