My life wasn’t just about the lie, it was also about having to keep up the pretence through a non-diagnosis and others still expecting me to conform as if nothing was wrong, without me being allowed to question my physical, mental and emotional issues.
The sad thing is that I never understood my issues, but conformed because I had no choice, but I know that even with a bigger picture in front of me, I would never have been in a position to change anything. Had my life taken a different turn, the Diary wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t be a writer.
I feel guilty for allowing myself to be sucked in and having to keep up the pretence, but take comfort because I now get to work through my experiences and that helps alleviate the guilt. It is wrong for parents to behave in such a controlling way that their children fail to function.
Out of all my issues, I know that it wasn’t my physical issues, but my thoughts that saved me. I can’t change the fact that I had to keep up the pretence, or that life was okay.
It is no meaningful relationship if we’re having to keep up the pretence just to survive. But I am grateful I have The Diary which continues to allow me to write and work through my experiences.