Keeping up the pretence

I’ve talked about my life being a lie, but it wasn’t just about the lie, it was also about having to keep up the pretence through a non-diagnosis and others still expecting me to conform as if nothing was wrong, without me being allowed to question my physical and emotional issues.

The sad thing is that I never understood my issues, but conformed because it wasn’t a choice not to, but I know that even with a bigger picture in the frame, I would never have been in a position to change my life. I can see that now. Had my life taken a different turn, the Diary wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t be writing now.

I feel guilty for allowing myself to be sucked into that life and having to keep up the pretence, but take comfort because I now get to work through my experiences and that helps alleviate the guilt. It’s wrong for any parent to behave in such a controlling way that their children fail to function in their lives, or for them to explain what it is their child deals with.

Sadly, that’s how it went, but out of all my issues, I know that it wasn’t my physical difficulties, but my thoughts that saved me. I can’t change the fact that I was having to keep up the pretence that everything with my family was okay, or that my life was okay.

It’s no meaningful relationship if we’re having to keep up the pretence just to survive. No one should be made to live like this. But I am grateful I have The Diary which continues to allow me to write about my experiences.

27 Dec, 2017

2 thoughts on “Keeping up the pretence

  1. It’s repulsive, but you’ve never drifted into the wrong lane, despite being forced to live that way. The kind of pretence that could have lead to a death sentence, while living.

    But you survived all of that, with confidence and scars as proof. Then you authored The CP Diary and emptied your love into the palms of our hands, creating the ultimate repellent for what you’ve been through.

    1. Being honest, I was holding on to something but wasn’t sure what that something was, I just knew it wasn’t an option for me to give in, or up.

      I am grateful you’ve given me a different thought process. Your first paragraph sums up accurately how things could have panned out, but this way I’ve come through with my integrity in tact.

      Turning to the Diary platform, hand on heart, the reason why it works is that we all help each other put a slant on how we see our experiences, through our own experiences.

      I love that you’re part of that process. Thanks Tim.

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