It’s true that parents don’t always give their children the tools they need to be able to function in their lives, but for me to have to join and cross everything on my own is a different matter altogether. I find it sad that I’m still having to work things out for myself.
I’ve done it to understand what I get to deal with, something that wasn’t afforded to me as a child. As parents, we may not get the parent thing right all the time and that’s accepted, but anyone who is born with a disability must know and have strategies in place to help them deal with what they have to deal with, to know who they are living alongside their disability.
I never got to do that. And even if living with a disability isn’t forthcoming because the information isn’t always out there, parent and sibling support is a massive part of our existence. It wasn’t my job to have to work out my symptoms, let alone learn about myself in this way.
Unconsciously, I must have started the journey so that I would find acceptance. There is still an intolerance around what we deal with through other people’s attitudes. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always tried to find acceptance. Sadly, my being a pleasing child was part of that scenario, I just didn’t realise at the time.
I unconsciously lived, hoping that with my disability, my siblings would come to accept me, but instead they were irritated by the wrong attention I was attracting from my parents, because of my issues. There was simply no interaction around what I got to deal with.
What I had to deal with was kept separate, everything I did around my disability was kept separate from my siblings. I’ve always been on my own. Come to think of it, emotionally I’ve always been on my own.