Left in the dark

I often wonder how anyone could ignore the very thing that would bring answers to someone who was left to emotionally fend for herself for 46 years and continue to justify that it was still okay for that person not to know.

I seem to go back to this thinking every time. But there isn’t a day go by where I don’t think about and struggle to come up with anything that could possibly justify this behaviour.  What makes it worse, is that I know when I was growing up, consultants were aware of my neurological issues and some of my mental struggles, particularly around learning.

Where there was concern by my consultants, I was simply overlooked. If the consultants had followed their initial thoughts through and tackled my father, I would have understood more of my neurological issues growing up and that’s been my biggest bugbear. I would have had extra help in school and wouldn’t have struggled as much through my education years, but in my mind again, I had already switched off.

Years on and I still cannot comprehend the enormity of it all. I’ve had to painstakingly work through each issue on an emotional and psychological level, to understand my life as it unfolded. It hurts me to think about it. It’s not something I can easily comprehend, being a parent myself. I get through because I know this wasn’t about me.

When it came to dating I couldn’t say anything about my disability, because I didn’t know what that was. And even though I couldn’t say anything, it still bothered me because I wanted that other person to know.

I couldn’t help that someone understand my issues. I wasn’t able to anticipate, warn, or explain, help them understand, because I didn’t understand myself, or know. But it was important for me to be open and honest about what I was dealing with.

All that’s done is add to a lifetime of questions, stress and anxiety, where my personal relationships were concerned. And where I was supposed to be normal, I was far from normal. I wanted to say… this is how I present, this is what I have, this is what I deal with. These are my struggles. How do you feel about it being with someone with these issues?

Any form of disability will bring a different relationship. A partner or spouse will eventually have to deal with what we bring to the relationship through our disability, therefore they have a right to know from the beginning.


27 May, 2018

4 thoughts on “Left in the dark

  1. The best time to tell someone about our issues is when they’re coming through the door, immediately. In that moment we appreciate the truth, part of the dialogue and learn that everyone has a confession to make.

    There’s something about being imperfect that’s perfect in every way.

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, I prefer to see myself as imperfect. That way I don’t have to meet anyone’s expectation but my own and my standards are already lowered. Having being born imperfect I am able to understand and see the world differently.

      But there never seems to be a moment when we can just say what we want to say. I have learned that to my cost over the years and which is why it took me 46 years to find out about Cerebral Palsy and why sadly my mum had to die for me to find out.

      My circumstances had to change for me to find out. Sadly, not everyone is prepared to hear the truth.

  2. Yes, I so often wonder how it is that any parent can just ignore and try to overlook the issues that their child has, especially when it’s something as serious as Cerebral Palsy.

    This was the attitude I went through with my daughter’s mother, so now at 28 years old, my daughter may technically be an adult, but mentally she’s only 10-12 years old which is so very sad.

    She was never pushed to do much of anything about learning ‘adaptive life skills’ I guess would be the term which is how she ended up being groomed to be a surrogate wife by her very own mother.

    She intentionally kept our daughter in the dark all of these years in order to keep control of her, since I was just such a monster!

    I know in my case with my parents, they were pretty much oblivious to what was going on with us, when things were happening like my sister getting raped, or I was getting beaten up just about every day.

    In today’s age, things would have happened like being diagnosed as having ADHD and we would have been removed from our home, since it was always such an insanely dysfunctional environment most of the time.

    It does make me very angry when I think that both of us fell through the cracks and never got the help we needed, let alone have anyone tell us what our issues were, which would have been helpful.

    Maybe my siblings and I would have been separated and never seen each other again but at least we would have had the chance to have more or a normal childhood than what we did.

    People always act so horrified when I speak badly about my parents, but they didn’t go through what I did. I know that it all really happened since I have siblings that were there too, so they can attest to how much of a nightmare it was at times.

    This is why I have such a hard time relating to my daughter right now and even comprehending why she’s treating me so horribly, seeing as I haven’t ever treated her that badly.

    My guess is that she’s trying to punish me for not being there as much as I should have been when she was younger, but nothing she can do will ever be worse than how I have punished myself, for not being the dad I should have been.

    This has been the worst month of my life, when I thought it was going to be one of the best and I have to come to terms with it, whether I like it or not.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, I get your experiences with your daughter. It sounds as though your daughter is struggling to come to terms with her experiences and you’re the fall guy.

      It must be hard for you, but once you’re through the other end, things should settle down a little. I am also sure your daughter knows that had you been in a position to help her growing up, you would have done.

      Since you were instrumental in getting your daughter back, I am sure she already knows the lengths you’ve gone to. All you can do is do what you’re doing and be there for her.

      I feel for you both, but you can only do what you can do.

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