I often wonder how anyone could ignore the very thing that would bring answers to someone who was left to emotionally fend for herself for 46 years and continue to justify that it was still okay for that person not to know.
I seem to go back to this thinking every time. But there isn’t a day go by where I don’t think about and struggle to come up with anything that could possibly justify this behaviour. What makes it worse, is that I know when I was growing up, consultants were aware of my neurological issues and some of my mental struggles, particularly around learning.
Where there was concern by my consultants, I was simply overlooked. If the consultants had followed their initial thoughts through and tackled my father, I would have understood more of my neurological issues growing up and that’s been my biggest bugbear. I would have had extra help in school and wouldn’t have struggled as much through my education years, but in my mind again, I had already switched off.
Years on and I still cannot comprehend the enormity of it all. I’ve had to painstakingly work through each issue on an emotional and psychological level, to understand my life as it unfolded. It hurts me to think about it. It’s not something I can easily comprehend, being a parent myself. I get through because I know this wasn’t about me.
When it came to dating I couldn’t say anything about my disability, because I didn’t know what that was. And even though I couldn’t say anything, it still bothered me because I wanted that other person to know.
I couldn’t help that someone understand my issues. I wasn’t able to anticipate, warn, or explain, help them understand, because I didn’t understand myself, or know. But it was important for me to be open and honest about what I was dealing with.
All that’s done is add to a lifetime of questions, stress and anxiety, where my personal relationships were concerned. And where I was supposed to be normal, I was far from normal. I wanted to say… this is how I present, this is what I have, this is what I deal with. These are my struggles. How do you feel about it being with someone with these issues?
Any form of disability will bring a different relationship. A partner or spouse will eventually have to deal with what we bring to the relationship through our disability, therefore they have a right to know from the beginning.