Living in ignorance

7 May 2016

It really is a while since I’ve written a more personal blog. Unfortunately the old patterns are still there. When I’m having a bad day my thoughts go back to my emotional and physical struggles as a child and how I struggled to know what was wrong with me.

The worst part of my childhood was not the physical condition, but living with the emotional frustration and ignorance because I didn’t have a diagnosis. Having to wait 46 years to find out made me angry and frustrated and those became my struggle.

Between others telling me there was nothing wrong and my failing to comprehend exactly what I was dealing with, compounded my struggle. The irony is that underneath the anger I was caring, compassionate and empathetic.

It was a long time in coming, but it was something my father would go on to tell me just months before he passed.

6 Responses to “Living in ignorance”

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  1. Bonnie Strickland Johns 07. May, 2016 at 9:20 am #

    Wow, I think a lot of us can relate to how you feel. Sometimes I envy children whose parents went to endless doctor appointments to get testing and diagnosis for their kids.

    But my situation was a little different and I can’t and won’t hold my parents responsible. At the same time, I wish they had have done something at a young age, to find out the problem.

    Now it’s my problem and it’s going to be okay.

    • Ilana 07. May, 2016 at 9:45 am #

      I believe you’ll get to the bottom of finding out Bonnie. I have every faith you will. You’re strong and determined and you have a right to choose to know.

      Although our cases are different Bonnie, they are similar in many respects. I have my medical letters dating back to when I was 2 diagnosing me with Spastic Monoperisis. Many years on a Podiatrist and Neuro physiotherapist in my late 40’s, between them diagnosed a second limb and a drop foot that my original doctors missed.

      When I finally found out that I had Cerebral Palsy I asked my father why he didn’t tell me and he said he didn’t want to know. I’m not angry or cross with him because there are other times he did his bit. For 15 years he took me to all the necessary hospital and physiotherapy appointments.

      He did what he was capable of in the same way your parents did too. It takes a selfless kind of person to go that extra mile. Parents have their limitations.

      In my parents’ case that was definitely true.

  2. Brad 07. May, 2016 at 9:12 pm #

    It is a shame that those close to you didn’t see beyond your anger as a child, but nonetheless it’s a good thing that your true qualities were eventually acknowledged by your father.

    I suspect he knew all along but just never told you.

    • Ilana 07. May, 2016 at 9:22 pm #

      Thanks, yes I also suspect my father knew too. Had those issues have been dealt with, my anger may not have existed at all and I would have been better off for it.

  3. Tim 07. May, 2016 at 11:02 pm #

    When my father was dying of cancer, the truth faced me before I faced the truth, as love and fear are extremely painful emotions to confront sometimes.

    You father loved you dearly, but he was addicted to denial and guilty of not confronting his pain and yours.

    • Ilana 08. May, 2016 at 5:48 am #

      Thanks Tim. Yes it’s only when we face losing a loved one, we have both sets of emotion to deal with.

      Your last paragraph resonates with my understanding of the difficulties my father faced having to deal with my physical and emotional problems.

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