Loss of a loved one

The death of a loved one can often leave us in a bad place, not because of their death but because of the problems they leave behind on their passing, which in one way or another have affected us.

The role of the parent in my mind is clear. Many people though may be left with countless unresolved issues, which can leave them angry but never confused in my opinion. Having lost both parents, my thoughts and feelings have been different on both.

Although I was sad to lose my mother, my feelings about losing my father seemed different. Even though I had very little support from my mother, deep down she was always very well intentioned. There was never any animosity between us and even with the little support I had, I understood why. I never felt I needed to grieve in the true sense. I was comfortable with things.

Unfortunately, because of parents insecurities, we may sometimes end up with a different life. They may not give us the opportunity to emotionally grow and as a result we may not get to experience what we want to in our lives. In those cases, we won’t necessarily grieve for them, but may be left with angry feelings instead. This is one of the reasons why I feel parents should put things right with their children, this side of life.

We cannot change what didn’t happen or should have happened. We cannot also change where we were with that person when he or she passed, we can only change where we go from here. I feel it’s pointless holding on to animosity, because we didn’t get to live the life we wanted; that only hurts us more. It also stops us from moving on with our lives and bonding with our children.

For anyone going through the process, it can take a number of years to adjust. I believe death is part of the living process but for many to understand the process, seems completely out of their depth. Death isn’t especially well documented or commonly spoken about, but it’s not final. It’s part of a process where our loved ones will continue to their lives in spirit, in another form. They are always around.

For many people of course, letting go is the biggest challenge and it’s that which is part of the grieving process.

21 May, 2013

6 thoughts on “Loss of a loved one

  1. I was very upset when my father passed 9 years ago and am still grieving for him. There were some things I felt should have been resolved between us before he passed, but I’m okay with it. I just miss him terribly.

    I depended on my father a lot. He was there for me no matter what and even though I am married to a good man, my father provided a certain amount of security that my husband can’t.

    When my ex-husband killed himself I was VERY angry and still am to a point. I was mad about him leaving his daughter in such a selfish way. Even though my current husband was and still is there for her, my ex was her father and it changed her life in not such a good way.

    Things were left unsaid. It was like the big ‘screw you!’

    1. I haven’t been through those kind of experiences, but I can relate in other ways Lisa. I’ve had trauma in my life.

      I can also understand why your last sentence feels pretty raw, but I’m not sure whether someone who is mentally ill can rationale or see what we see. I am not surprised you were left angry, but I am sure things will have been different if your ex could have come to terms with his life.

      When someone goes to those lengths to end their lives, they literally have hit rock bottom and cannot see any way to getting back up. When they feel they’ve come to the end of their rope, it’s often seen as a cry for help. Some people like your ex will succeed to end their lives and some won’t. In all cases there’s usually a message in there somewhere telling the world they’re not coping.

      It’s not always done with malicious intent, unless of course it’s acrimonious and they are doing it out of spite to hurt someone because they feel that person has let them down.

  2. Death by suicide of a loved one is devastating to experience. I have thwarted several public suicide attempts as an emergency responder in the past. I extend my condolences to you and your family. It’s a very sensitive subject to me personally.

    I also believe that death is part of the living process, just as life is part of the death process. The loss of a loved one creates a range of feelings according to your experience and relationship with that person.

    I’ve always believed that death isn’t final. I venture to say that the word death may be an inappropriate word to use, but it is just the extent of our knowledge. I agree that they continue to exist in a spirit form in dimensions beyond our scope of comprehension.

    Yes, the passing of a loved one can leave us in a bad place. I have witnessed that with my own family. It is important to leave your loved ones with the painless legacy possible.

    1. Thanks Tim. You’re absolutely right, it is important for all families to part with the best legacy possible. In theory that works beautifully, but in practice not so well. It can be the nature of families to some degree.

      unless we understand the process and talk about the process of dying, people will always see dying and death as final. ‘Passing’ is a process, it’s a spiritual journey but to those who don’t see it that way, they will always see ‘death’ as being final.

      It’s still not spoken about in society as a whole and may be it’s that, that needs to change.

  3. Yes letting go does seem to be the hardest part of the process since there are truly a great deal of unresolved issues!

    My parents always blamed each other for our childhoods and neither ever accepted any responsibility for their actions. All I ever really wanted was some type of apology or at least an acknowledgement that things weren’t right when we were kids.

    My Mother has already passed and she slipped into dementia a very long time ago on top of having severe mental health issues which weren’t properly treated. Now my Father is in the midst of dementia so there won’t really be any closure there either.

    It has been a major struggle for me to accept the fact that I may be the only one of my siblings who will make final arrangements for him. I know it needs to be done but it would be helpful if I had at least a little support from my siblings.

    I’ll just have to work very hard at letting it go so he can be put to rest with the respect that a father deserves for being a Father!

    1. It’s not surprising Randy that you’re finding all of this difficult, I would too. You have part of your answers here with your mother having mental health issues that were never addressed. She clearly struggled with herself, so I would imagine it would be hard for her to cope with her looking after her children too.

      None of what any of you have been through makes it right, it just makes it what it is. I hope your siblings will come forward to help you out with your father.

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