I continually live and deal with anxiety because I have autism. The anxiety I have, creates the panic I feel that I don’t always have control over.
The time I spend with myself is the only time I have a clear mind, a time when I am able to make sense of things. Although routine has always been important to me, I never understood why. As a child it wasn’t obvious because things were always being done for me, but the moment I left home the cracks began to show.
Until I started writing and putting my thoughts and experiences together, I never really understood them. Now when I look back, I can see my struggles around routines, sensory input, black and white thinking, repetitive routines and behaviour.
Looking back, there are two things that stick out in my mind that pointed to autism all along. I remember my father being 46, and remember my mum telling me what age my grandmother was when I was born.
Although those two pieces of information may not seem significant, they are significant to me, because I deal with autism. I hold on to insignificant information someone without autism would hear and let go of.
Also, in my formative years because I didn’t know about autism, others have always had certain expectations of me and that was near to impossible to work through. Growing up I didn’t understand my symptoms or my life, now with a diagnosis I understand everything.
What I still struggle with is how I got to this place with everything I’ve had to deal with. It doesn’t always rest easy, because others still have their opinions. And turning to my experiences, I’m not sure you really get over that.