Making sense of my symptoms

I continually live and deal with anxiety because I have autism. The anxiety I have, creates the panic I feel that I don’t always have control over.

The time I spend with myself is the only time I have a clear mind, a time when I am able to make sense of things. Although routine has always been important to me, I never understood why. As a child it wasn’t obvious because things were always being done for me, but the moment I left home the cracks began to show.

Until I started writing and putting my thoughts and experiences together, I never really understood them. Now when I look back, I can see my struggles around routines, sensory input, black and white thinking, repetitive routines and behaviour.

Looking back, there are two things that stick out in my mind that pointed to autism all along. I remember my father being 46, and remember my mum telling me what age my grandmother was when I was born.

Although those two pieces of information may not seem significant, they are significant to me, because I deal with autism. I hold on to insignificant information someone without autism would hear and let go of.

Also, in my formative years because I didn’t know about autism, others have always had certain expectations of me and  that was near to impossible to work through. Growing up I didn’t understand my symptoms or my life, now with a diagnosis I understand everything.

What I still struggle with is how I got to this place with everything I’ve had to deal with. It doesn’t always rest easy, because others still have their opinions. And turning to my experiences, I’m not sure you really get over that.


17 Sep, 2019

4 thoughts on “Making sense of my symptoms

  1. Spending time alone is one of the few times where I feel like I can think straight without all the distractions that dealing with people can cause.

    It has only taken me most of my life to begin to make sense of my life and the issues I have faced. I’m sure that it would make even more sense if I took the time to write everything down, since there are times when I find it hard to believe that the past really happened and my mind tries to block things out.

    There are so many things that occurred that I haven’t been able to get over that easily, but I know in time it will be possible, I’m hoping.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, go whichever way is the best way for you to work through your issues. At the end of the day it’s what works best for you.

      I’ve been locked away in my own head and have been doing it since I was a small child. I also find writing things down helps me compartmentalise my thoughts and feelings.

      It is important for us all to come to terms with what we get to deal with. I know that although I can’t change my autism symptoms, writing about them, helps me acknowledge and come to terms with them.

      I hope you continue to make sense of your life and your own issues Randy.

  2. It must be difficult for you to have to continue to work through your symptoms this late in the day. You always do it with grace and optimism.

    I still find it difficult to believe these are your experiences, but you’re definitely getting there.

    1. Thanks, I do my best. I wouldn’t want others to have gone through my experiences, it’s bad enough they were mine, but I do see the positives in having them.

      I feel I am getting there. I’ve know I’ve come a long way.

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