Memories still outstanding

Although I have come to terms with most of my life there is one area of my life that I’m not quite settled with.

At the age of 25 and I can remember it as if it were yesterday, I was just about to get married and my father had arranged for me to meet up with a Consultant, so that I could be signed off to become someone else’s problem. I hadn’t stepped foot in a Consulting room since the age of 15, so there was no need to go back.

It’s true that we can know someone, but unless we get into their minds and into their skin we can never know someone. I use my writing to understand what I didn’t quite get back then, for me to know my life. I’m more bothered about the fact that he didn’t care to find out about my disability, but simply wanted me signed off so it wasn’t his problem anymore.

I remember Scoliosis being mentioned, but the conversation never included me, it was about me. Although the initial diagnosis at the age of 2 was the wrong diagnosis, Scoliosis was never part of that initial diagnosis. That came at the age of 25.

At the age of 25 who really knows what Scoliosis is, never mind what it means, but the Scoliosis bothers me more than I thought it would. Not knowing I had it I found it easier to dismiss the thought, now of course, it’s a reality not easily dismissed.

The flip side and there is always a flip side, is that I know all of my issues have led me to a much better emotional place, because I have the Diary and my writing to fall back on. If everything had have been in order for me as a child, the Diary would never have existed.

So that must be my reconciliation. If someone genuinely doesn’t know how to address something, they can be forgiven for not dealing with it, but they must be accountable by saying so.

When someone tells you ‘they didn’t want to know’ and you’re supposed to just accept and be okay with it. Now that’s a hard pill to swallow.


17 Jan, 2018

4 thoughts on “Memories still outstanding

  1. Your thoughts must have been screaming as a child, being alone with them as you were. Memories like stones that will never go away, leaving you to find answers to every damn thing.

    We’ve got to deal with this together and make those unpleasant memories turn into a blur.

    The CP Diary family is always with you, like you’re always with us!

    1. Awww thanks Tim. Your response is on point. When you say, ‘memories like stones that will never go away, leaving you to find answers.’ You’re absolutely right.

      My blogs are ‘the answers to every damn thing,’ that I dealt with as a child. The more I write about my experiences, the more understanding I have, the more those unpleasant memories turn into a blur.

      I think this one stuck because it’s not everyday you hear the words ‘I didn’t want to know’ come from a parent. I did respond to it, but I think I was in shock.

      As parents, however hard it is and given our own past, we must want to make sure our children are emotionally and physically safe and well. That’s our job.

      Personally I don’t get it, but I am beginning to see it more now that I am beginning to understand.

  2. Yes, those certain memories stick in our minds that still haunt us, when we really think about them.

    Mine was that my dad was so willing to sign the papers that allowed to join the Army at 17, when there wasn’t any way that he couldn’t have not known how broken and damaged that I was.

    He always seemed more relieved when my other siblings got married, mostly to get away from my parents, but didn’t seem to notice the signs that it wasn’t such a great idea for them at the time.

    I ended up having a choice between the Job Corps, to go to school to learn a trade and the Army, but I really should have gone with the Job Corps.

    I think the most disappointing part, is that they were only interested in their own best interests, rather than what would been the best for us, which isn’t how parents are supposed to treat their children.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, quite and speaking from my own experiences, which tie in with your own understanding of your father. A lot of what you have written resonates.

      It wasn’t something parents consciously thought about, because had they, they would have known you couldn’t possible sign up for the Army, given the emotional issues you we’re dealing with.

      It’s how parents often chose to parent. They were mostly self-absorbed, everything was about them. Our lives were sadly never going to be any different.

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