Mind games

Mind games would be a more appropriate term to describe how my disability played out over the years, particularly as there were times I had intimated that I wanted to talk about it. That I wanted to know what was wrong with me.

For years, manipulative behaviour was used back and forth intended to gain an advantage over me. My disability was something that needed to be emotionally addressed. And where my life and my disability were ignored, my thoughts kept me sane. It wasn’t just me not knowing what my diagnosis was, it was me not being able to work through my neurological issues and spending too many years trying to talk to about my disability and it was clear no one was listening.

I became angry. I wanted to understand my life and my disability. I wanted to understand why I couldn’t function in the same way as my siblings. I didn’t understand why no matter hard I tried, I continued to struggle in school. I also desperately wanted to understand why I had one foot that looked different to the other, why when I walked I would drag my leg, or understand why my shoes didn’t wear down in the same way.

Where any parent uses a smokescreen to live their lives in such a manner that provokes a response from their child, it’s easy to see why that child may become unbalanced or crazy. Sadly, when it comes to any parent, the smokescreen they use takes the attention away from them and instead puts the onus and the focus back on the child.

Mind games are passive-aggressive and take many forms. They include pretending not to understand someone, or simply pretending not to hear. Those games may also include keeping family members divided, so that they don’t get to figure out the truth of what is really happening. Turning siblings against each other other is also very common.

But like any form of aggression, mind games damage a person’s confidence, mental and physical health and relationships, and which is why on our part, it’s important we stop enabling, or allow it to continue.

14 Apr, 2018

6 thoughts on “Mind games

  1. Every time I read something like this, I find it so very hard to comprehend that any parent would just ignore the fact that their child had such serious issues and not want to do something about it.

    I’m sure that you spent a long time asking those same kind of questions and didn’t really get any solid answers before your parents passed, like happened with mine.

    There were always mind games going on, especially the ones where they tried using the Jedi mind tricks to make us believe that there weren’t any problems, even when it was as obvious as the herd of elephants in the living room.

    It just never ceases to amaze me how far people will go to be in denial of what is really going on, especially for those people who are the ones who claim to be normal and sane.

    My mother was an expert at mind games and used her passive-aggressive techniques so very well. My father usually just went along with whatever she was trying to make everyone believe to keep the peace, I would imagine, rather than fight seeing as that was usually a lost cause.

    He didn’t seem to really notice that she would then turn her attention to us kids, which eventually resulted in my getting the worst of it when the others fought back.

    I was far too young to know what was really going on until it was too late and by then she had broken my spirit and very nearly crushed my soul.

    It’s no wonder that I have ended up in the same type of relationship time after time but only with different women, but the results were always the same.

    This is exactly why I need to find a way to escape from this current one, or else things will never change.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to believe that this life would belong to someone.

      But to have that for 46 years, know nothing thing about what you deal with, then have to start from the beginning to find out about yourself that part isn’t easy.

      If it wasn’t for the Diary, I’d still be stuck in a time warp. Through my blogs, the Diary has enabled me to understand my experiences. From what you say Randy, it sounds as though your mum struggled with her life.

      Although what you went through isn’t right, you have an understanding and that should help you understand your own life and what changes you now need to make.

      As you say in your last paragraph, ‘that is exactly why I need to find a way to escape from this current one, or else things will never change.’ It really is up to us.

  2. The mind games were not good for your brain and the future you worried about. But your brain somehow became significantly calmer and focused to the point where you pre-solved every single emergency in your life.

    Those mind games were painful, but they improved the muscles in your spirit; just look at you now.

    1. Thanks Tim. I love your analogy of my life. I never really thought about it like that at the time of course, but you’re right about it being painful.

      Sometimes it’s the most painful experiences that bring about the greatest understandings, as long as we’re prepared to learn from them and act.

  3. No one has a right to play mind games, especially with a child whose emotional development is so dependent on parental input.

    You knew something was wrong, but was denied the truth. It’s not surprising that you felt angry and isolated.

    As Tim says it strengthened your resolve and proved a difficult but positive path for you to get to the place you are at now with what you do.

    1. Thank. Yes, I try to get past this, but it often gets the better of me. I think it’s the trust and honesty element that I struggle with more.

      As a child I trusted and we trust our parents to do what’s right. We don’t expect, we assume that will happen until it doesn’t happen. As you rightly say, our ’emotional development is so dependent on parental input.’ It’s how we thrive and emotionally grow.

      Sadly, the trust was broken and I can never get that back. Whilst any abuse is bad, my experiences and what I’ve had to endure, you couldn’t make up.

      I think I know too much and that is what’s not sitting comfortably. But I still feel I needed to know.

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